Waiting, waiting, waiting................

Apparently summer can't come soon enough for my kids. This photo was taken LAST year at Harriet Island.
While scrolling through my plethora of photos, Claire said to me, "Remember that day mom? I LOVE summer!"

Yeah...well the countdown has started. Claire officially has 2 days left and Miles has 5. And then..sweet sweet summer break. And an upstairs remodel. But more on that later.

OVO!

This year for Mother's Day, Ryan was out of town working. I make a big deal out of Mother's Day. I know I know...people say "I don't care about it". I do.

I'm a stay at home mom with two kids, and I like to think of Mother's Day as my ONE and ONLY day off for the year. I like to sleep as late as I can. And I like to NOT cook a meal at all during the day. Selfish? Who gives a shit. I work hard all year keeping my kids alive. I deserve one day.

But this year, because Ryan was gone, I spent the weekend at my parents house, which is a shit ton of work in and of itself. Then because it was Mother's Day, my mother felt that SHE was queen bee, and bossed me and my sisters around all frick frackin' day. I did all the cooking the entire weekend too. Ryan? He was working. But then went on a brewery tour with co workers and had a fancy steak dinner that he didn't have to cook or pay for. Plus he was in Denver. Nice.

So...Ryan being the sweet loving husband he is, felt pretty bad about being gone and surprised me with tickets to Cirque Du Soleil Ovo. Which by the way, I've been dying to see. I've been to 3 of their performances over the years and LOVE LOVE LOVE it!



Yesterday was our day! The kids were super excited to see it too. Although I was a bit concerned that Miles wouldn't care for it. The last live performance Miles was to, was Beauty and the Beast, and he complained of having stomach pains during the first 45 minutes of the show. Which was gas and said gas was code for BORED. So he left. I was less than excited about THAT.

However Cirque Du Soleil was completely different. The kids loved the show! It was so entertaining. At one point during the contortionists, Claire said to me, "I can't do that with my body, but I think I'm going to try when we get home." And she was not quiet about this statement. AND she tried. Although she's not as bendy.

If you can see this show, do. You won't regret it at all. I just kept thinking, "Shit. I wish I was that thin and flexible. Gotta work on THAT!" The little Asian girls flipping the big kiwi slices were A-Mazing! Seriously. They flip each other around using just their feet.

Claire doesn't seem all that excited to begin with, but she had no idea what she was in for. And Ryan has a photo with that guy in the Packers hat and green t-shirt in the background, MAJORLY photo bombing.


And then Claire was really very concerned about the big egg/cocoon/ball of light that had sound like a swarm of bees.


Photography not so great in the dark on the sly.

I can't say enough about this show. It was so entertaining. And it was a really great way to spend the afternoon with my family. Happy Mother's Day indeed.

You must see this movie

Bridesmaids

I haven't laughed so hard in a movie in a very long time. Seriously. Hysterical!

Iowa!

Well...we were in Iowa this weekend for one of Ryan's work trips. He had to work overnight Saturday, so we packed up the car and the kids, and headed down.

It was a nice drive very little rain. Although I hear there was major rain/tornadoes here in MN. We didn't do much Friday. Just ate dinner at the hotel, and took the kids swimming in the ecoli infested hotel pool. (You can't tell that I don't like them can you?)

The first night the kids slept in the adjoining room together. It was not bad. I didn't sleep great, but it was ok.
The following morning we went the cemetery where my Godmother's parents and grandparents are. It was a really nice day. The last time we went there, we were joining Ryan on another work trip and Claire was very little. She was scared of, "That lady who keeps lookin' at me mom!" Of course there was no lady to be seen. And I could see the whole of the place, as it was a small country cemetery, with only a horseshoe drive. We left fairly quickly. It was not cool. But, in her defense it was during what I like to call, THE DIEGO INCIDENT.

Thankfully I believe Claire has grown out of her creepier-than-shit-little-Asian-girl-seeing-messed-up-dead-things phase. I hope so at least. There were no old ladies looking at her this time.

Afterward, we headed to the Science Center of Iowa. It's pretty cool. Similar to the Science Museum of Minnesota, only on a smaller scale and geared more towards kids MY kid's ages. It was great for them. They did experiments. And there was a place for little toddlers and babies. We spent a couple of hours there and then headed to lunch.

We went to a place called The Spaghetti Works. I thought it would be the same as The Old Spaghetti Factory here in MN. Not so much. I can't go into details, but suffice it to say, my daughter who LOVES pasta, would sell out her brother, father and mother for it, refused to eat her lunch. It wasn't good.

The day ended with a trip to the book store, and Target. It's not a day if it doesn't involve a Target run. The kids went swimming for 2 hours with Ryan. I stayed in the hotel room and did some reading. Yay! Alone time!!!

Ryan left for work at about 9:30pm, and I sat, hoping the kids would go to bed. Between listening to the hundreds of young boys at the hotel for a little league tournament, and the wedding in the ballrooms, I didn't think it was going to happen. OH MY FUCKING GOD was it loud. And, we were right across from the elevator. And lots of tween boys running around a hotel while their parents got drunk in the pool area.

But it settled down "kid" wise after about 10:30. Then the REAL fun began, as a drunk couple from the wedding stood outside my door, swearing at each other. LOUDLY. Of course I had to look out the peep hole. It's not called a peep hole for nothing. And I saw the lady slap her husband. Like...really slap him hard. She did it after he told her, "you fuck everything up you stupid fucking whore." It was really unnerving, and I wasn't going to do anything about it until I saw him cock his fist at her. So I quietly opened the door and scared them both. I politely told them I had two kids trying to sleep and could they please keep the yelling down. I think I caught the guy so off guard, he apologized and then told me his wife was making him so mad. But the woman kept yelling. So I said, "Are you ok? Should I call the front desk for you?" Then they left.

And..I went to bed. Claire insisted on kicking me throughout the night which was all kinds of fun. And then in the morning, Ryan informed me we were leaving a day early because the job he was doing didn't work out the right way and he would be coming back over ANOTHER weekend to try and get it finished. So we left.

The only highlight of the drive home, aside from the torrential rain that we encountered upon entering MN, was a guy, wearing the following t-shirt, walking into a Dairy Queen with his probably 10 year old daughter.


Keeping it classy in Mason City Iowa.

Things I've missed as of late.

~ I miss talking to grown ups about things NOT related to kids.

~ The Facts Of Life

~ My flat stomach (No, just kidding. I never had one)

~ My kids as babies

~ Hanging out with my girlfriends.

~ My sister in law's birthday. I facebooked her but it's just not the same.

~ My friend Kelly's birthday. He hates Facebook birthday wishes....so ....I did it here...completely anonymous. Heh heh heh...

~ My husband. He's traveling like a mother fucker. I miss him the most.

~ Dian Friday nights.

~ A clean house. Since Ryan's gone, I am lazy and don't want to clean anything.

~ My sister Sara. She lives in California.

~ Sanity. Cause you know as you get older it gets lost. Although..I'm trying. Really really trying.

Some of these things I've missed because well, I just can't get them. Others I've missed, because, I'm forgetful as sin lately. But mostly...I'm just....missing stuff. Oh...and I lost my keys last night. Shit.

My worst nightmare come to life...kinda

Mounted in Alaska.

Well the title alone had peaked my interest. I'm not a pervert or anything but I didn't understand how this was on the History Channel. And I was going to watch it.

Then my good friend, and hunter-gatherer-fisher-extraordinaire shared with me what it's about.

Taxidermy.

If you follow and actually read this blog, you'll know I have a VERY serious "healthy" phobia of taxidermy.

I can't see it. I can't be near it. I can't stand it. I have gone so far as to walk in and right out of restaurants when there's animal heads hanging on a wall. Or worse, if there are fully stuffed animals with legs and tails and bodies. *shiver*

I can't go into a Gander Mountain, or Cabela's. Lord help me in the Science Museum of MN. I walk around that place half hiding my face, half walking behind Ryan with my eyes directed straight to the floor. It's sick I tell you.

So yeah...I'm not going to watch Mounted in Alaska. No matter how dirty the title is.

*I'm even having a hard time looking at this stinking post. Ugh. Help me Dr. Someone who treats weirdos.

This was Easter

The kids were happy to dress up all fancy like.



We went to church at 7:35am. Don't ask me what bee got in my Easter bonnet. But we went. I can't tell you the last time I went to church. Close to never. But I wanted to go. We went with my in laws. And the kids were surprisingly well behaved. No talking, no fidgeting, and no swearing! I'd say that's a good day with God.

When we returned home the kids played outside and I prepped for the invasion of my mother's side of the family. Close to 35 people over. We had a few "non" family members, but it was Easter and I had a shit ton of food.

There was an Easter egg hunt



Then the food


There was ham and pulled turkey too. Just didn't get that in the shot. It was on the stove.

After all was said and done, people filtered out and Ryan shared with me that my cousin Jason left Miles a gift. Jason has been Miles' biggest Star Wars "dealer" over the past several years. I would say Jason's entire collection of anything Star Wars that was awesome ever in the history of the world, has been passed on to Miles. Then...the Pièce de résistance. The very sought after collectible 1978 Death Star. If you collect Star Wars things, you know this is a big fucking deal. Miles has a Millennium Falcon, and an AT-AT from my cousin. But this...THIS is the bragging piece in the now shifted collection. I can tell you, Miles didn't know what to do with himself. I'm thankful he didn't pee.


Jason is 4 years older than me. When I was a kid, he was my dad's favorite nephew. He was into plastic models and war shit, just like my dad. At family get togethers you would find them looking over a new model my dad had put together. My dad gave Jason a lot of things to get him started on his life long hobby. And now Jason is passing on the sharing-a-toy-tradition to Miles. To which Miles is all to happy to participate in.

After the excitement of the Death Star, Ryan's family came over. We had dinner together and let the kids play on the play set. Miles and Claire were really into jumping off the swings



The day was really enjoyable. I love holidays were I can see family and the weather is lovely and my kids are happy. And now some random shots because all Miles did after he was done jumping was play with the Death Star. And Claire...well she was just happy to be outside.

3 little grave stones all in a row

We've had an epic amount of dead squirrels in our yard as of late. When I say epic, I mean....3 in the past few weeks. Last year we had no squirrels to speak of. It was a bit odd, but who's complaining? I hate the things. They're dirty and they yell at my kids when they play on the playset in the backyard. Dirty little fuckers.

Anyway. Once all the snow melted away about a week ago, Claire came running up to Ryan and me and said, "Dad! There's a squirrel in the yard and he's sleeping and he looks like THIS! (this is when she stuck out fake buck teeth, bugged her eyes open, and put her little hands up under her chin like she was a beaver or something) And I think he's sleeping but his teeth scare me!" Sure enough, Ryan went back to inspect and the thing, and it was D-E-A-D. Gross.

Ryan did notice it was not bleeding or *gag* chewed on. It just looked like it had a heart attack and was preserved in the snow all winter. So he buried it under the pines in the backyard.

Earlier this past week, I was in the back with the kids and the neighbor. I looked under the deck for some reason and I noticed a dead squirrel! Seriously. Another one. So my neighbor looked at it and started laughing. It was "sleeping" just like the other one. Well, Ryan was out of town, and you can bet I left that little thing for him or whatever animal decided they wanted squirrel for dinner. Gross. Plus is snowed again this week so...there's that.

When Ryan went to clean it up today he said there were no indications of how it died. No maiming, no bleeding. Just dead. So he buried it next to the other one. He went about his time with the kids in the backyard. Planting hops for his mead and beer, and letting the kids run around. As he was heading in, he noticed ANOTHER FUCKING DEAD SQUIRREL right where he had been burying the others. It had died in the few minutes that he and the kids were back there.

Ryan went to one of the neighbors houses to see if they had noticed any dead squirrels. He asked them if they maybe had put down poison to kill them. Which would have been fine, but he didn't want the kids getting around it. But nope. That wasn't it. Our elderly neighbor said to Ryan, "I shoot squirrels. I got like 13 last year." I'm assuming that's why we didn't notice any last year. I thought it was pretty quiet.

But apparently this year, his aim is off or something and these little suckers are running off to die in our yard. He was concerned it was traumatizing the kids. However Ryan assured him the kids thought it was just "natural" to have that happen...gross by the way. But it was in fact traumatizing ME his wife.

Well we have our answers. No poison. Just a neighbor who has a pellet gun, some time on his hands, and much hate for those bushy tailed grey rodents. My kids however, as much as they dislike squirrels, and they do because I do, decided to put little stone markers for them. Under our pine trees. In the backyard. Gross.

Oh Cindi!

My youngest sister likes to sing. She sings loud and proud. She sings all the words, all kinds of wrong. I always noticed it when we were in the car driving together. She sings like she wrote the damn things. She doesn't make any apologies for her ridiculous made up lyrics.

Example:

Santeria by Sublime



Sweet dear Cindi sings the first line..."I don't practice in Korea!"


Manic Monday by the Bangles



She sang, "It's just another man named Monday!" Ryan and I about shit ourselves laughing.

Now this may be annoying and nonsensical for anyone else in the world. But for me, it's one of the things that I love about her. All the time, it will never change. She just can't get the words right to save her damn life.

Oh well..this is for Cindi because she just bitched and moaned about me not blogging recently. This is what you get dear sister for being impatient.

The soundtrack of my life.

It will either make me sound one of 3 ways.

1: Incredibly awesome, and why didn't you think of it?
2: Incredibly narcissistic, and why would anyone care?
3: Bat shit fucking looney tunes.

You be the judge.

Well. I'll admit it. Most of my life, I've had a soundtrack running through my head. When something of any significance occurs, I have a song chosen and playing quietly in the background of my mind. Like in the movies. As if someone where making a movie of my life, this would be the song playing at this point in the story. It's always at poignant times that the swell of music occurs. Like....this one...



This one plays when I think about my leaving my horrible first marriage, when I lost a baby late in my pregnancy, and when life just got the better of me. Not too sure why it plays in my mind, but it does. It keeps me calm and level headed.

Now this one...has been running through my head a lot lately. It's what I would love to tell people in my real life from time to time, but just can't. It's not ladylike. And I'm all about being a lady. Plus this song is catchy and hilarious. And it's not so much playing quietly in the background, as it's blaring in the forefront.



I don't know. These are just a few snippets that run through my head. They are the most prominent at the moment. But truly, I have songs running through my head every day depending on what is going on and who I'm dealing with. It keeps me from really going nuts. Or maiming people. Maiming is totally out of the question. So there's the mental soundtrack. It's safe, and will keep me out of prison. Can you imagine what that soundtrack would be like?

*if you think the "Fuck you" song is about YOU...you're probably wrong, but what did you do to think that? And should I be concerned?

My free personal trainer

Well...I've started AGAIN. Exercising. I hate it. I loathe it. In a previous life, I HAD to workout EVERYDAY 3 hours a day. So you can see why I might hate it. But at my age, it's time to get kinda serious about my body. Cause my body is serious about getting fat and sloppy. Stupid body.

Anyway, I've had a difficult time getting motivated to eat less and exercise more. Ryan's no help really, and I do appreciate that. It's not his job to get my fat ass moving. Besides, if he made it his job, well..let's just say the Teepants household would NOT be fun. He's really a smart guy afterall.

But I have scored a no-holds-barred-kick-my-lazy-bum-ass-junk-food-tossing-trainer.
Seriously. This trainer is the ONLY one who can get me to do things. And I don't even secretly want her dead. (You know she's good).

It's Claire. My 4 1/2 year old.

Examples of Claire being the BEST personal trainer of all time, in the world, EVER.

1: Sometimes during the colder days, I run up and down my stairs for 30 minutes. It's crude, but effective. I hate the treadmill. And when I start to feel myself get wobbly, I usually quit. I'm lazy that way. But this last time, I started to walk and I heard a tiny voice yell out, "Get movin' mama! Move your booty!!! You can do it!!! I'll race you slowpoke!" And with a small stinging swat on my ass...I was up and down the stairs for another 10 minutes.

2: I went on a 7 mile bike ride towing Claire on the tagalong bike the other day. We were following Ryan as he ran. It was the first of the season and let's say, I didn't fair well. My body was screaming in hot pokey pain when the following day, Ryan asked the kids if they wanted to go with him on a run. I was not conflicted in the least. Exercise with the family or do laundry sitting on my ass, (which incidentally was sore as a mother fucker.) I was going to do laundry and watch a movie with NO KIDS! Miles was going to ride his bike, and Claire was going to be in the jogging stroller. Besides, I was having a hard time walking. (Yeah I'm that out of shape..what of it?) Seriously...sore. While I was doing her hair for the run, she was blathering on about how she was going to pedal hard this time. I told her..."No no baby, you're going to be in the jogging stroller with daddy."
Tears. Major tears. She said to me, "Mom...I thought we were going to ride the double bike again. I won't have anyone to taaaaaaaaalk toooooooooo waaaaaahhhhhhhh." Yeah..you know my sore ass went on another 7 mile bike ride. *side note* once you're about 2 miles in, the pain goes away and a pleasant numbness settles in. Then you can't feel your thighs for a few hours afterwards.

3: This morning, I said, "Whoa...only one english muffin left. I should get some more today." Claire: "Mom, I'll take mine with butter please. You know they're two so they're for sharing."

I swear to all that is good and healthy in the world, this girl will help me get High school skinny if it kills me.

For the rest of this year I will...........

Spend as much time as I can outside with my kids this spring/summer/fall/winter. No matter the weather.

Not put up with petty crazy shit from people who should just know better.

Get these damn hormones under control.

WRITE letters to people I care about and send them in the mail.

Teach Miles to clean the toilets.

Teach Ryan to make dinner.

Teach Claire to not be so damn sassy.

Go out on dates with Ryan. Including but not limited to, dinners, hand holding, strolling, snuggling on the sofa with a good beer, movies, and pretty much anything that doesn't involve my children 24 hours a day.

Have Brian Skog make me dinner. Just one fricking time!

Spend one day twice a month and do things just for me. For only a few hours at a time, but it will be all about ME!

Beat J. Valley in just ONE Words With Friends game. JUST ONE!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!

Tell my Bestie I love her more than just on her birthday or when I'm bawling about something stupid. Or drunk.

Start exercising more. (This one may just be the death of me. We'll see.)

Not put up with things that make me upset or NOT say anything about it.
(Warning...I WILL most likely be MORE verbally aggressive than I am now. Seriously..this will be my only warning. If you don't read this blog, that's tough shit for you. See it's already starting.)

Love my family and friends.
Guess that sums it up. Happy Spring!!!!

Spring!

Winter in Minnesota this year has been SNOWY! I kinda love it. I have no problems with snow, cloudy days, skies the same color as the ground, and or bitter cold. I really don't mind at all. This year has been particularly hard on people. People who never complain about the weather, have been bitching up a storm. We've had an almost record breaking amount of snow this winter.

But today my dear friends. Spring is showing it's lovely sun filled face. It was 50 degrees F today. Sunny with a bright blue sky. Ryan took Claire on a run and Miles and I sat outside playing. I called the neighbor over with her son, and the two of us just sat in the driveway chatting, while the boys ran about. It was LOVELY! See for yourself.











A great day with the neighbor kids. We were outside for, easily 5 hours today. There were about 3 families who ended up being here. We had lunch outside together. The kids had lollipops and the grownups partook in some of Ryan's home brew. Beer is good. Beer with friends outside on a sunny day is fantastic! Happy Spring!

Missing a friend.

Today I think on my friend Kent. Missing his silliness. His kindness. His dancing. Just....Him....

Fiddle de Deee

Haven't had much to say lately. Haven't had much going on either.

Ryan was home for 2 weeks! Now he's off again. For a lot of the month (April).

Miles had a really bad medical scare for us, but all is well. Thank God!

I'm becoming obsessed with a new book trilogy. The Hunger Games. I know I know...EVERYONE has read them already. I'm behind the times, just like I was with Twilight. Best part of all, I got the first book at Half Price Books. After I started reading it, I asked a friend of mine who is a Young adult writer, "Is the writer British? There's a bunch of extra "n's" and "e's" on words. She told me no. That the writer was American. Hmmmm....well..then further into the book there's a lot of talk of distance and whatnot. It was all metric. Ha ha..so she asked if I had purchased the British version. I flipped the book over and sure as shit...the cost. £6.99. Damnit to Reading AND Math at the same time. Cause you know I was converting that business.

Yeah..so British. Ha ha..then when I finished the book, I decided I liked it enough to get the 2nd and 3rd. But then I went on Amazon to get the British versions, I don't want to have discrepancies, and the trilogy was $295.00. EEEEEGADS!!!!!! Needless to say, I have discrepancies. I purchased the American versions for $7.95 each. Annoying. I hate that. Just like I hate that the first book I have is paperback and the other two are hardcover. And that happend to me with the Twilight series too. It sucks. I have a bit of OCD when it comes to book series. I like to have all the same kind of cover. Sickness? Of course it is. One of my many quirks.

But truly. Not much going on these days. I could tell you about the heartburn I keep getting...but that's just annoying and gross.

St. Patrick's Day 2011

It's a new dawn. A new day! I've lost my freaking mind. Remember when I said I HATED St. Patrick's Day? Well...this year was a little different.

I have a good friend who is, yes, ANOTHER Korean Adoptee in my life. She has 3 girls and they all go bat shit ape nuts for holidays. And one of those holidays is St. Patricks Day. Ugh. So it just so happend to fall on our Spring Break this year too. We had a playdate planned for that day, and my dear friend Kristi G., suggested we head to the St. Patrick's Day parade. Ha ha ha ha.....ha ha ha...ha ha ha ha....ah ha ha ha ha.

Well let me tell you, we live very near St. Paul, MN, capital of all things Irish in this area. And they have a huge parade. We were going. We planned on it, and then my friend found out there would be drunks around the parade. She didn't want to subject her kids to that. So we stayed here.

We played outside. We had pizza. I made green fruit dip with berries and apple slices. It was about as "St. Patrick-sky" as I get. Green fruit dip. Yum.

So there you have it. I did it. A little bit. And next year, I might even let the kids wear green.

My sweet little Miles-y Miles

It's been 6 years TODAY that we traveled home with our first child. Miles' foster mother placed him on the table across from us and he crawled right to us. He just knew WE were his parents.

I love this little man so much it sometimes hurts.

Don't think I'll be purchasing one of THESE

Today on kids woot.com they are selling a baby monitor. (If you are reading this past March 14th you're SOL if you want it.)

I don't know about you, but having a baby photo like THIS ONE on the baby monitor screen, makes me NOT want to buy it. What the fuck IS that on the monitor? That's no baby that I've ever seen. Ever. In the whole entire world. Ever. NEVER. EVER

Another Asian Invasion!

Well once again we've had our Korea reunion! To refresh.....there was a group of us who met in Korea when Ryan and I went to get Miles. It's been 6 years of gathering every year in March, 4 more kids added to the group since the beginning, and one family we miss greatly as they live too far to join us.

Usually we meet in the Twin Cities and have lunch at a Korean restaurant and then retire to our house to let the kids play and the adults chat. This year, we were lucky to venture to our friends Chad and Sarah's in Rochester.

We brought Korean dishes to share.


And all sat in the HUGE dining room.


And then the kids ran crazy through the house playing Legos, hide and seek, video games and whatever else they could find. We grown ups were able to enjoy each other's company. We rarely get together these days. The kids are getting so old.....ugh.

We had delicious desserts all provided by Sarah. She is a crazy baker lady. She told me she whips out a pie whenever she feels like it. REALLY? Whenever? Sheesh..I'm moving in. Oh did I mention she made homemade honey ice cream too?


Katie and Lyle are from Wisconsin, and they were in charge of bringing the cheese. Lyle has recently started working in a sausage factory and he was able to bring some of their artisan sausages. HOLY SHIT people! That is some serious sausage. Yummm!!! Claire had to make sure she had her "cheese and sausage bowl" for the ride home.

The day was wonderful. We had hours of fun. Reminiscing about the trip to Korea, and how the babies were so cute...but have grown so fast, what the kids are doing in school now, all that jazz...I really do love getting together with this group.


We've been so lucky to have these kids in our life. They certainly are a fun group.

It's finally gone!

Miles has FINALLY lost his tooth. His first tooth. It's been loose for many many MANY months. It's been loose for so long that the adult tooth has grown in behind it, and is full size.

Miles was coerced by his dad and our friend Brian S. to pull the thing out. After talk of dental floss and door slamming, pliers and whiskey, Ryan just took a kleenex and pulled it out. Done and done.

Disregard the dry milk. Talk about gross.

OH.MY.GOD!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!! I LOVE this song....it makes me so happy....

A Work In Progress

I got my hair did! It's NEW! I'm so excited about it! It's been colored and styled all KINDS of new! It's black black black. Yeah yeah..I know...I'm Asian and all. But really, it was more of an auburn/brown. NOT GOOD. But now..it's black licorice black. I heart it big.

Since I've had kids, I've had all kinds of hair. Check out the progression from the past 7 years....

July 2004 in the BWCA. I was soooo rocking the pigtail look. It was AWE-Some. Trust me. BEFORE KIDS.


At our baby shower for Miles. My hair was getting long...and that's where it stayed for years! It actually got a lot longer, but I was behind the camera so much I don't think there are many photos of me at all.


Then WHAMO....having 2 kids....I cut it off. It was so much easier. And I told my hairstylist, that under NO circumstance was I going to look like a late 30 year old soccer mom from the burbs. She did a great job...but I have this REALLY round face, see....


I've tried my best to avoid one of the following. Looking like Dora the Explorer. Looking like Suzi-Wong-you-want-rice-with-that? AND or looking like my 4 year old daughter.

And then just last week, I was able to go retro with an oldie but goodie....yep...80's hair. It was awesome. Although Ryan didn't care for it. His exact words were, "Yeah sweetie, your hair WAS getting kinda crazy."


But then. I did it. Colored and cut. I was on the phone with my friend when I took the photo, and this is why I look like a 1-976-Asian call girl.


And this post will be the most you'll ever see my face. Because I am usually the one behind the camera.

This was NOT one of those times.

This past weekend was filled with fun! I went out with my bestie. Who I never go "out" with. We were celebrating a friend's 35th birthday! She's young a beautiful. Lucky bitch!

Anyway....as the night wore on..my dear old bestie and her sister "be-friended" a couple at one of the bars. They were the standard type of couple you'd see from this particular neighborhood. Very suburban, and thin and beautiful. But Good God Damn were they drunk. AND looking for a good time. And when I say a good time. I mean they were in search of some serious naughty swinging business. YUCK. I think they were initially interested in having dear bestie and her sister home for the fun, but...then the crazy saw me.

Now, just that night we were chatting about how men have a "thing" for the Asian persuasion. I have my theories, but basically, any movie about Vietnam in then 60's and 70's made Asian women seem like slutty-do-anything-you-want-five-dolla-make-you-holla kind of women. And let's face it, men can be pigs. Especially when drinking cheap beer in a townie bar.

As I was telling my bestie we were heading out, this drunk woman, let's call her Big Drunk Horny Blonde was all up in my face...blabbing about how exotic...blah blah blah..then she made THE PROPOSITION. Ugh. And now my REAL story.

Last night I was out with another group of friends. I picked up one of my friends before I dropped the kids off at my parents. As she got in the car she did the the polite, "what'd ya do last night?"

I told her it was kinda crazy and that I would share it with her later. Cause it was not something the kids should hear. To which Miles my 6 year old pipes in, "Mom, we already know what happened. You can tell her now."

Here's the conversation. And it's pretty much verbatim:

ME: Ok then smarty...what happened?

MILES: You went out and um, then you went to another place, and um J was there, with the neighbor and J's sister and umm. and umm....(and um was big here)

ME: And?

MILES: And then a lady you didn't know said you were HOT and that she was going to let you sleep with her husband and she wanted to watch.

ME: *crickets chirping*

Yep. I had nothing, but tears streaming down my face. And my friend in the car was trying, without success, to not laugh loudly in the car.

The ONE thing of the night he didn't need to hear. He heard. And I know for a fact I didn't tell Ryan that when I thought the kids were even in ear shot.

I will say this, when he was stammering through the first part of the story, I was watching him in the rearview mirror. When he got done saying is peace, I looked at his face and he didn't really comprehend what he said. His face said, "Why would she want to watch you sleep? And with her husband?"

There was a scrunched up forehead and then I said, "MILES! Don't EVER tell that story to anyone again! PLEASE! Especially don't tell grandma and grandpa!" He agreed it was a weird story and that he would forget it.

Sadly after his last conferences we find that stories that he "overhears" at home, are put into words in his writing class. Isn't that awesome? The last thing was about beer and Ryan. I can't quite put the details here, cause let's face it. I was mortified. But his 1st grade teacher assured us it was normal and ok. Yeah right.

I made him promise under penalty of destroying all Star Wars things, that he would NEVER repeat that story again. Then I told him how that woman was crazy and really being silly and weird. It still works on 6 year olds. They're gullible.

However....I love his ability to recall things. Just not this.

well well well...

Claire is writing and reading now. Well she's trying to.

Today she wanted to help me write out the grocery list. So here we have it...


Notice how she changed MILK into Miles and then wrote BOOBS. I have no idea where she's gonna find those two things, but I'm not looking or helping her.

In other news, we got hit with snow again this past weekend. I love snow. I love Minnesota. It makes me happy to be here. During the, I don't know...4th or 5th blizzard this winter, we super cleaned the house. No help from the kids by the way. I baked a chocolate cake with Claire, because when you're trapped indoors for the millionth time in a 2 months, you want chocolate damn it. And then had pizza with pepperoni and mushrooms. Not the healthiest of foods for the day, but I'm sure we threw a salad and some carrots or apples in there someplace. Who cares. It was a fucking blizzard outside.


Yes I made it. Remember I used to be a baker? And now Claire is my OFFICIAL assistant. However she likes to dip her fingers in the batter and the frosting while she's whisking. She's now a pro at washing her hands.

Happy Valentine's Day Crazy style!

http://www.funnyordie.com/slideshows/22f612bc13/vintage-valentine-s-day-cards-that-prove-we-were-all-a-bunch-of-rapists?playlist=featured_pictures_and_words

Yikes!

The other day, Claire and I were getting ready for school. She was in the foyer getting her boots and jacket on. I told her I had to run to the bathroom, and that she should just get ready.

While in the bathroom, I heard the garage door open and shut. Good girl. She didn't need me to yell at her to get ready and in the car.

So I proceeded to get my jacket on, when the front closet doors whipped open and she yelled ,"BOO!"

What the Fuck?

ME: AAAHHHHHHH DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!

CLAIRE: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...you almost fell!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!"

Yes. She continued laughing and hasn't stopped yet. She said, "Mom. You should put this on facebook or on your blog. I totally tricked you!"

That turd actually opened and shut the door to make me think she was in the car. I didn't teach her that. Payback is such a bitch.

This is NOT how we did things back in the day

I tweet. And I follow friends and celebrities there. Celebs are funny. Steve Martin is hilarious. He's entertaining, and clever. I'm sure I wrote about this before, here, somewhere. And I follow John Cusack, because like I've noted before, I have a weird secret crush on the man apparently. But he is BAT SHIT LOONEY TUNES! Which for the record, I love.

Anyway. I see that some celebrities have millions of followers. MILLIONS. I can see what my "movie star boyfriends" are up to and what they have to say. Usually it's stupid shit. Shit I could care less about. But hey, they're entertaining, and it's nice to know they're "normal". Well kind of.

You know if you're a kid these days, you can learn and know everything you want to know, AND MORE, about your celeb crush in just the swipe of the keyboard. I mean set aside Twitter, there's all the IMDB's and the personal web pages, the Official web pages...or just the World Wide Web at it's best. You could even venture into celeb crush overload. But that's another topic. Way back in the stone age, we had to write a good old fashioned stalker letter.

When I say stalker letter, I mean pen and paper. Sometimes cut out magazine letters. Oh, and your dirty old underwear. Not that I EVER did that. No no no... I was more of a refined kinda gal.

I remember when I was 12, I had mad love for River Phoenix. Who the hell didn't? The man was beautiful and way "deep". *sigh*
Anyway, I saw in my Tiger Beat, that he had an address I could write to. I actually believed he would read MY letter. Even now you say, "yeah right SJT.." But I was 12 so shut up.

I wrote the letter. I tried to be all, deep and thoughtful about what I wrote. And I tell you what....that letter was pure.....shit. But I thought it was awesome, and I knew in my heart that he would read it, hop a plane to MN, find my house (because DUH...he was carrying the envelope with my return address), and announce his love for me. And it didn't hurt that I was for some reason having a party at my house, JUST AT THAT MOMENT, and all my friends got to see how much he loved me. Boyfriend at the time be damned. (Sorry J.M)

Yep, well..........that never happened. I didn't even get a pre signed photo of him. I got zip. And after thinking on it long and hard as a 37 almost 38 year old woman...seems about right. My Say Anything moment never happened. (Side note: This could be part of my obsession with John Cusack. Hmmmm....)

But today, you can actually get a message to your celeb crush via twitter. Right this second if I wanted Ian Somerhalder to know how much I loved his last episode of The Vampire Diaries, and that he was my favorite character on Lost because he was HOT....well I can. And he would most likely see it, not care, and move on with his day. But, HE WOULD SEE IT! (he's actually the reason I thought about this topic.) Seriously....look at the boy!

Getting back to it....
So.....kids of today...you're lucky. We had to actually write letters to our celeb crushes. We had to check the mailbox everyday, in hopes that they might write us back. And after 25 years, we now know that we will never get that damn autographed photo, let alone have them fall in love with us via letter writing. Sadly my teen crush has passed, but..there's always Ian. And I don't have to be a teen to appreciate a handsome (eh ehem) young gentleman.

In MN we do shit like this

Yep. It's Winter Carnival time once again!

I love it. Where else do a bunch of level headed people go out in below zero weather and stand around to look at ice and snow sculpture? That or stand on the streets in a howling wind tunnel (because you know that when you're downtown ANYWHERE the wind blows like a motherfucker) and watch a parade. FOR HOURS?

This year we went with our friends Rachel and Dan. We met for lunch at Pizza Luce, and then headed on down the hill for the event.

We usually go to see the ice sculptures, and attend either the Grande Day Parade or the Torchlight Parade. You literally stand outside for hours and watch a parade that should be done in the summer, like most places. But it's in late January. The coldest part of the year. I LOVE IT! I'm not kidding either.

Well this year we saw the ice sculptures in Rice Park. They're pretty damn cool.



Check out this chick wielding the chainsaw!


This year they created a huge ice wall. The kids thought it was glass. Miles had to really look through it. We were able to watch some of the sculpting competition.



The whole "legend" of the carnival is such: crazy-creepy-makes-us-seem-like-a-bunch-of-freaks-but-lack-of-sun-will-do-this-to-people

But the gist of it, the snow/ice king (King Boreas) is battling the fire king (Vulcan King). There's Snow and Ice royalty. A whole court of royalty and then you have the Vulcans. But before I get into the "Vulcan run in" , yes it's an event all of it's own, check back at those photos that show all the people. I saw a dear old friend in passing. And when I say passing...I mean 2 seconds of recognition..."Hey! How are you?" And then you can't stay for the answer, because the crowd keeps moving, and it WILL swallow you whole. You and your kids. But I digress.....

We ventured into the Landmark Center for all the kids activities and the second we do, we here it. The dreaded siren of the Vulcans. Seriously. That sounds brings fear into me. I mean look at these dudes. They're creepy as hell and they have WAYYYYY too much testosterone coursing through their bodies for anyone's good.


My girlfriend Rachel and I talked about when we were kids, and they would run up to you at a local city's parade and rub their cheeks on your face. It was called "the mark". They'd leave black grease paint all over you. It sucked. And they were creepy fuckers. Well, poor Rachel subconsciously hid behind her husband as soon as the siren went off. It was hilarious. But my poor little Claire? Not so lucky. She couldn't hide fast enough.

She was accosted by the entire group of red dressing, grease paint smearing fools. They got her. The king of the Vulcans no less. They can't really smear their faces on you anymore. There was some kind of lawsuit that involved sexual assault. And people wonder why I fear them. So now they use some kind of black grease lipstick tube. Sadly this was the result of Claire's meet and greet with them.


She was so pissed off about it, she didn't smile for an hour. We didn't know what happened, but when we stopped for hot cocoa, she asked Ryan if she could, "finally take off the V". We said yes, wiped it off, and it was happy times once again for our little Claire.

Miles however really thought they were cool. He liked the mask they gave him. And so Claire tried it too, but really....nothing could help.


All in all a good time. We spent a few hours there, and the kids loved it. Claire especially once the V was removed. She could have been one of the REALLY lucky girls who had a black grease paint goatee and mustache drawn on their faces. I think it's just downright mean. The moral of this story? The Vulcans suck.