My husband DOES NOT HEART this.

Today I was reading through blogs, and one of them has music on her page. I didn't know this. Weird. I've been reading it for a while too. But whatever.

So one of the songs she has on her site it that Rob Pattinson song. You know him right? Edward Cullen from the Twilight movies? He's become a tween girl's and 30 something's item of lust. People are going bonkers for him. I mean, to quote Gwen Stefani, B-A-N-A-N-A-S! I am sure you know who he is, unless you don't have a tv, radio, internet, and have been held hostage, in a deep dark hole with no light to speak of for the past 10 months. I mean look at him. I must say, he IS DREAMY. My friend Heather calls him Robward for all you Twilight folks. Ha ha.

Anyway. His music? Eh...not so great. Ryan heard it. And proceeded to comment. Here is a snippet of our conversation.

RYAN: Is that Johnny Lang?

ME: No. Rob Pattinson.

RYAN: Who?

ME: That guy from the Twilight movies.

RYAN: Oh. He must be a DB (douche bag)

ME: No. I don't think so.

RYAN: Yeah he is...I've decided anyone who thinks THAT is good enough to be made, is a huge DB.

ME: They used it in the movie I guess.

RYAN: Bigger DB.

I love Ryan. He is funny. Too bad he is jealous of my movie star boyfriend. Tee hee.

Are pigs flying?

I have a good friend who has changed so drastically, I can't even believe it. I tell her on a regular basis she should knock it the hell off, and bring me back my friend. I will admit, she is great either way. I consider her a friend no matter what.

When I first met her, she was a no nonsense kinda lady. She was this little spit-fire, who wore clicky heels that, clickety-click-clacked down the halls at our job. She always wore dresses or skirts. She wore jewelry. Her apartment was clean. Very clean.

And when she talked about kids, she would tell me she thought they were "not cute". And that she didn't want any, cause they don't talk. She claimed she would hate to be stuck with one who couldn't tell her what they wanted. This is the same woman who told me, "I never tell my friends their kids are cute. I just tell them, I'm happy for you."

She is the one, who at barely five feet tall, could drink just about any guy under the table while playing pool or darts. She also smoked like a chimney.

Jump ahead, oh say, 6-7 years. She has 3 kids. All girls. Very girly. She stays at home with her 3 girls. They are 5, 3, and almost 1. And they were all planned. I have to say, her friends, the collective "we", were so shocked at the first kid, when the second was born we didn't know what to do. Had the world gone mad?

My friend has started, and this is hard for me to write out, so hold on.....

has started, baking homemade breads, sewing, gardening, and, quit smoking and drinking. I know I know....seriously. Talk about shift in lifestyle. She wears jeans now. And sometimes when I go to her house for a playdate, *gasp* the house isn't clean! Oh my damn!

So I wonder. How have I changed? I always knew I would have kids. That I would be THIS mom I am now. Not that I would have known I would stay at home with them. But I knew I would be very involved with their lives.

Does everyone make such dramatic changes in their lives when kids and marriage are introduced? I didn't think so, but hey....she is proving me all wrong.

Here is one of our Facebook exchanges: I commented on her becoming a fan of sewing. SEWING! For the love!

ME: Oh my god. I never would believe this. EVER. I refuse to believe it. REFUSE!!!!!

HER: really? After curtains, pillows, skirts...if the kids would just watch movies all day long I'd get a lot sewn! ;)

ME: No. I just don't want to hear about it. You can't be into sewing. I just witnessed the baking, and I am still reeling from that...No to the sewing.....Just say no friend (I changed this. I had her name here)

HER: would gardening be too much for you?

ME: Oh Jesus...you're killing me.

HER: LOL :)

Well....friend.....I still love ya. Even if you have de-throned me as the Korean Martha Stewart. All hail the new queen. And watch out for people who may spontaneously combust. Cause apparently, anything old fucking thing can happen now.

Sometimes being a mom is not so cool

I try not to get all squishy schmoopy about my kids here. Hopefully it is clear from my writing, I love them. More then anything. However....this medium is for me to vent when I can't say some of this stuff to them. Cause I know it will come back to haunt me when my children are adults, and in therapy, because I told them, "I don't fucking care if you don't like THIS kind of mac and cheese! Shut up! Eat it or starve for all I fucking care!" Which, by the way...has never happened. But it happens in my head sometimes. When I am deep breathing with my eyes closed and my fists clenched.

So...Ryan has been gone. (Haven't drilled that into this blog enough *eye roll*) And the natives are going to stage a coup. I believe I heard plotting and scheming yesterday in the backseat. Either way...I always think I am prepared for things.

Today....not so prepared.
Example number 1: My almost 5 year old was caught lying. For the first time. He and his cousin were doing monkey business today at my parents house, and broke something. Miles protested so strongly that he in fact "DID NOT DO IT" I believed him. But because I am mom, I threw in..."if you're lying to me I will know and you will be in big trouble!" His tiny little shamed voice then said..."yes I did it." Not with as much conviction but I heard it. And damn! I almost believed him. I really was ready to let him off the hook. Damnit. now I have to second guess, cause he knows HOW to lie. Shit.

Example number 2: Claire said to me, "I don't like you!" She's almost 3. I wasn't sure how to take it, cause well, Miles has never spoken to me like that. I turned to her with "the big eyes", told her I was sorry she was stuck with me, and then began to be somewhat petty. Cause, I had hurt feelings. I did. I won't lie. I told her a girl who doesn't like me must not want to have a sleep over in my room. She cried. Of course. Then she asked how she can have a sleep over. I told her she had to apologize. And not like her cousin does...he just says.."APOLOGIZE!" She had to tell me she was sorry. And why she was sorry. She did. Then I said to her, "you don't always have to like me Claire. You DO NOT get to tell me that." I think she understood that. So instead of telling me she didn't like me. She peed the floor in the middle of the night. Awesome.

Two examples of how my children are trying to overthrow me as queen of the land. They are doing things I would never see coming. And to which I have no good responses. Only because, I AM THROWN OFF MY GAME! I am going to have to start, already, with the "sneaking suspicions". Shit shit shit!

Where are those sweet agreeable children that were here this past weekend when their dad was home? They must smuggle themselves into his luggage when he travels, and leave me with their Doppelgängers .

I DO NOT HEART THIS. Send help.

I love this crap.

Today driving home from a friend's house I was behind a huge semi.

It was a biggie. The back didn't have a trailer. So basically, it was just the semi cab and the flat bed part.

On the back of the semi's cab in HUGE lettering was this....

"IF YOU'RE LIVIN' THE DREAM, LEARN THE LANGUAGE!" And flanking each side of this gem were American flags.

I thought they should have used the Confederate Flag. Seems more apropos.

Either way, I called my friend, who I just left. We had a good ol' fashioned chuckle, because we are both Asian AND livin' the dream. But we SPEAK THE LANGUAGE, so maybe it doesn't apply to us. And we were both raised by white people so....I guess we don't count.

Then she told me she saw one that was an all white semi truck. And the only writing on it was....

"JESUS CHRIST IS NOT A SWEAR WORD"

To which my friend promptly informed me she yelled..."Jeee-sus Christ!" Classic.

I think bumper stickers, no matter how big or small. Are ALWAYS hilarious! Even if they are stupid.

Really Jon and Kate?

I just watched the Season Premiere of Jon and Kate plus 8. Annoying.

I used to think this show was really cute. There aren't that many Asians on tv, and my kids loved to see it. Miles thought one of the boys on the show was him for a long time. At one point we had to assure him he was not doing the show in his sleep. Hee hee.

I liked this show because it was a stay at home mom who was 'normal'. She yelled at her kids and her spouse when she was pissed. Who the hell doesn't do that? They scrimped and saved and calculated all throughout a grocery store cause, they, like most of us with kids didn't have tons of money. They lived in a house that was far to small for all their damn kids. But they were cute. And I liked it.

As the season's progressed, they were given free trips. No biggie. But then the free plastic surgery. Really? Plastic surgery? Jeez.

And then last season they somehow were able to afford a huge ass house. With acreage. ACREAGE! Come people. Not so much with the 'normal' anymore if you ask me. Oh, but the yelling at the kids and husband continued. But it isn't so cute anymore when they are yelling in a big beautiful home and she looks like a "Real Housewife of the OC". Why that is I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just jealous.

But, amidst all the gossip and monkey business....I am annoyed. I don't care that they are both cheating on each other. I don't care. Like we didn't think that was ever going to happen. I mean for God's sake. They had 8 kids before they were 30. But what I can't stand is this.

In the season premiere this year, Kate talks about how she will do it 'alone'. Well the 78492 PA's, nurses, nannies, and other assorted lackys don't count apparently. And they are doing separate interviews. Jon, looking like a, beat into submission puppy, and Kate, doing the verbal beating. I say verbal cause they haven't REALLY caught the other kind on film. Yet.

And she doesn't stop talking about the "paparazzi" being around.

Double annoying.

If she didn't want the attention, then why the hell would she dress up in heels to go shopping with 8 kids to the party supply store? I certainly don't do that. And I only have 2 kids.

Ehhh...maybe I'm just a schlep who doesn't pride myself, on well, myself. So ok.....change of attitude. Good for you Kate, mother of 8. You are a put together woman. You have a fancy haircut and fancy clothes and can wear heels while wrestling 6 five year olds, and 2 eight year olds, while carrying in 10 party supply store bags. You should have your own show.

So Cool.

You have to check out my friend Kelly's blog . He is an amazing photographer, who was, until recently, doing a food critique. Now he is photographing one of my favorite parts of Minnesota. NE Minneapolis. I know. I know. You may not get it. You think...NE Mpls? Really? Yes really. It is an old area with some really cool old buildings, but also is being "re-invented". It's artsy, it's hip, it's got cool history. He sees things most of us just drive by. He is witty and insightful with is commentary. I love it.

And he's a sass. I love that too.
Once again, Kelly......you are so cool.

Diego update

Due to being a 'bad influence' Diego is on a time out. He is currently in the linen closet for an undisclosed amount of time.

If in fact Diego continues to entice Claire with naughty behavior. He's out. In the trash. For good.

Sorry creepy stuffed doll that spews bad ideas. Peddle your spooky shit somewhere else.

I think she has a sixth sense.

Well friends. It's official. We have a ghost who likes to stay up late. And annoy me. And tell my kid to do naughty things. And all together make my life hell. For now at least.

If you don't believe in this stuff...that's ok. We can still be friends. But believe me when I say......I hate you spooky thing who whispers to my 2 and a half year old in the middle of the frickin' night! You are keeping me up and I am losing my beauty sleep, and I will not fulfill my destiny to be a regular Asian woman who doesn't age a day until I am 60, if I don't get my sleep. 3 hours a night isn't cutting it anymore. *I see wrinkles* (I whispered that)

It happened AGAIN last night. I woke to whispers at 3:33 am. I opened my eyes and saw Claire sitting up, looking at the wall and saying, "Shhhh....you will wake up my mommy."

I'll give you a minute.




Fucked up right? So I say, "Claire?" She laid down quickly. Then started whispering again. For hours. 2 and one quarter to be exact. I caught a little of it here and there. It was a lot of, "No, that's naughty. I can't! I'll get in trouble. That would hurt."

THAT WOULD HURT? What the FUCK?

I don't really dig this. And I will clarify. SHE IS AWAKE. At one point in her private conversation, she stopped to whisper, told whoever to "wait one second", and then asked me to take her to the bathroom. Once again...I don't like this.

I had a friend today tell me that kids her age are prone to hearing angels talking to them, cause they are so young they will forget it when they are older. I'm not a religious person to begin with, but really? With the shit she is saying back. What the hell kind of angel is that? No thank you God.

On another lighthearted note, (hardy-har-har) Ryan came home a day early today. He just showed up at 8am. Apparently his back and neck are SOOOOOOO messed up, he left his hotel at 3:30 am, called in and canceled the rest of his trip, and drove himself to the Detroit airport to be put on standby to come home.

So off to the Chiropractor and the doctor. He was given some good muscle relaxers. And I bet, with any luck, he will be out cold when Claire starts in on...oh say.....

Carrying out Diego's evil plan to take over the world. One toddler at a time. Damn you Nickelodeon and your mind melting characters.

Diego...I hate you

Last night you ask? Not so cool. As you know, Ryan is out of town. As you also know, I despise, hate, and strongly object to whispering kids in the middle of the night. It's just too creepy for me.

Well that being said. I awoke at 3:23 am to Claire, sitting up, facing away from me, facing the wall, WHISPERING!

ME: Claire....who are you whispering to?
HER: *silence* she promptly laid down
ME: Claire....who are you talking to? You need to go to bed. You have school.
HER *whisper whisper whisper*
ME: Seriously Claire...Honey...who are you talking to?
HER: *whisper whisper* Diego is talking to me...shhhhh mommy I can't hear.

Ha ha ha....yeah.....not cool.

I asked her to come into my bed, because I thought, maybe she just wasn't tired. But the whispering continued. For 2 and one half hours people. All the while I am saying things like, "Claire, sweetie you have to go to sleep. No more whispering please."

I was trying to stay calm, as I didn't want to provoke 'whoever' she was talking to. Cause I was tired and my brain was going bonkers. Like....who is ACTUALLY talking to her? Why is Diego holding 2 hour conversations with my daughter? Can I burn Diego and not have her cry? Can I burn Diego and not have something 'bad' happen to me?

Diego is a full child sized stuffed thing. Given to Claire by my 5 year old nephew. He didn't want it anymore, and just handed it over to Claire. I NEVER AGREED TO IT. CINDI!!!!! But Claire loves Diego. More then Dora. So it's here. She takes it all over the place.

This is a photo of my friend's son. See how much he HATES this Diego too?

Anyway....I called Ryan at 3:45 am. Yes that's right. I called him. Cause in my infinite wisdom, and freaked out self, I was not about to deal with this shit alone. Travel be damned. Besides, it was almost 5am where he was. And I knew he would be up. And he was. But help? No. He just laughed. Just wait until you get home pal.

I wonder if....

DIEGO + Creepy whispering to my kid = CHUCKY?

Awwwww crap.

"Korean ladies are crazy"

According to Ryan that is. I just think they are bossy mother fuckers. When I say bossy...I mean....B-O-S-S-Y!!!!!!

I have to admit, they are sort of crazy too. Current author excluded of course. But here are some prime PRIME examples of this comment.

Ryan and I have a friend who lives in Korea. She is the one who tells me I am fat, and that I need to put frozen spoons on my face everyday. The reason? "Cause your cheeks are too round, and your husband is too good looking to have a fat faced wife." Direct quote. I shit you not.

Well, another family friend from Korea was visiting this past weekend. She has already TOLD my parents they are picking her up, what time, where they are going, when they are going, and what errands she wants them to run for and with her. Bossy right? I thought so too.

Then she started in on me. Of course, I warned Ryan before she got out of the car that she would tell me I was fat. But, surprise! She didn't. She did however tell me that I needed to put my 4 1/2 year old on growth hormones. Her exact words were, "He's a FIBE-A? He is a too little! He needs grow up to be a big man, not a tiny one." When she said FIBE-A, she meant five. And I can tease about it cause..... well.... I just can.

I told her, "Well, there are millions of short Asian men in the world, he'll just be one more." She insisted his life would be easier if he were taller, and that the doctors in Koreatown in New York (where she lives) just dole this stuff out willy nilly. But that I must talk to my doctor, cause they probably need a prescription.

?????????????????

Right.

Then she told me I had to start dinner at 3:30 cause my mother, who wasn't there, was going to be home soon and it would be disrespectful to NOT have dinner ready and waiting for her.

My mother...was at a play and dinner with her, brace yourself, Red Hat Ladies. So the simple fact I was somehow, not only to be subjected to the verbal abuse that occurred, but expected to make dinner for 12 people out of nowhere really didn't sit well with me. Especially with a bossy Korean standing there, watching my every move, and BOSSING me around. Oh...FYI, my mother NEVER asks....she just expects. And like a good daughter I do. But...this day, I found myself saying..."hell no!" But of course 10 minutes after I was given, 'the eye' I was in the kitchen cutting potatoes. DAMNIT!

This friend, her name is Ihnnie, told me that I have to respect my parents. Do what they want me to do all the time, and to never be confrontational. Was she talking to my mother already? Did she not know I was 35 years old and have been making my own decisions and choices for years? Was she confused, because I was Korean and was expected to behave like all Korean women, even though I was raised by two White Minnesotans? God. Who the hell knows?

All I know is this. I made dinner at 3:45, even though we weren't going to eat until 5:30. I will NOT EVER put Miles on growth hormones. I am not fat. Ryan now believes that all Korean women are nuts. And damnit if she doesn't look my age, but is 57 years old. I guess there is 'that' silver lining.

When will I learn?

So...I really really really REALLY need to pay closer attention to Ryan when he talks to me about work.

But it's sooooo hard. (And yes I was whining when I said that.) Be me for a moment. Ryan is a techie. A major computer geek. He does some of the most progressive internet security that I imagine is out there. He works for a contract company and usually ends up working for huge companies. I mean huge! So huge I am NOT ALLOWED to give examples. But just know...big.

So when he starts in with all the BlueCoat, PKI, Intrusion Detection mumbo jumbo...I hear this....."wha wha wha wha wha.....wha" Ala trombone/Charlie Brown grown up speak.

But as of late it has really burned me. Last week, I found out he would be in Michigan for 2 full weeks. So we are one week down, one to go. He leaves again Monday morning. But yesterday as he was talking to me on his way to the airport, he was 'wha wha-ing' about some other trips. Something about DC and then Boston.

*EEEEERRRRRR* Did you hear that screech? Well I did.

ME: "You mean to tell me you are going to be gone for another 3 weeks on top of the one you were just gone?!"

HIM: "Yeah. I told you that before I left for Michigan."

ME: "NO YOU DIDN'T!"

HIM: "Yeah, I did."

So I guess I believe him, but I don't like it. Really. I don't like this at all. I thought, well I can handle a week and maybe half of another one. But oh no. 4 weeks in a row?!?!?!

Seriously! If I didn't know my husband so well, I would say his 'imaginary' girlfriend is getting some serious face time. It's laughable really. If you knew Ryan it would be laughable to you too. We joke about it. It's funny because, she would have to be super boring to want to go where he is going. Cause lord knows. My husband is NOT the adventurous type. He never leaves his hotel room except to work, run, eat and shop for the kids. Otherwise he is on the phone with us, or the webcam. And really, what female wants to eat at Subway for an entire week, for every meal but breakfast? Not even me friends. That's for sure. And I married the man. I will say...there is no way Ryan has a woman on the side. The only thing getting in between me and Ryan, is all this damn work. CURSES to you travel!

Here I am. Annoyed at myself. I didn't listen, and now I haven't sufficiently prepared myself to be a single parent for the next month. Crap.

This means, NOW I'm going to have to listen to him when he talks to me about work stuff. Or start out each work conversation with, "Do you have to go anywhere?" Not cool people. NOT COOL.

I'm the BEST mom!

(My friends Jaime and Jill have said, when you capitalize, you are showing sarcasm. I am utilizing this rule in the title.)

As you may know Ryan is on a work trip. This means many visits with my parents to just hang out. And poor little Miles was having a blast at my parents house last night. Playing with his cousin and racing Claire in the driveway.

When this happened.


It looks far better then it did last night. Last night I was cleaning up the dinner dishes at my parents house when I heard Miles bawling.

Usually when I hear him crying, it's because he has been fighting with his cousin. But not this time. It was THAT cry. You know the one, where you drop everything cause your kid is really REALLY hurt.

And sure as shit he was. I came into the dining room where my mom, sister, Claire and Ethan were all hovering over a screaming Miles. Who when the wash cloth was removed, had blood streaming and gushing down his face. Both nostrils were bleeding and his mouth looked like he ate glass.

Poor kid. It took him a long time to calm down. When his nose stopped bleeding we had already gone through 3 washcloths. And the lips...well I had to call the clinic about it. I asked them if he may need stitches. They said no. His lips had been 'punctured' *gag* and the rest had a layer of skin scraped off thanks to the blacktop driveway. Then they told me I had to get the rocks out of his lips.

Jesus! So I did my best. Laid him on the kitchen table with peroxide, water, tweezers, LED flashlight, and a magnifying glass. And got myself to work. Thank god the shock had numbed his mouth. I was able to get most out. With the exception of a few grains of dirt. But not altogether bad. I think I did pretty good. I almost lost my dinner more then once, so.....yay me.

All the while, I heard Ethan crying hysterically cause he had never seen so much blood, and Claire kept coming in and out to "check on her brother one more time".

When I actually called Ryan, the tears began to flow. Not Miles, me. I was so calm throughout the entire incident that I know it freaked my sister out. But as soon as he was fine, and I was talking to Ryan, I bawled.

It was bad. Very bad. So......5 blood soaked cloths later, we bathed, jammied up, went home, and just hung out watching cartoons, dabbing blood away the entire time. We all went to bed at 10 and woke at 8am. Talk about trauma. For us all.

Can't wait for Ryan to come home tomorrow afternoon. I promise this. I will be on break. Friday night, I will be off duty. Between the hormonal surge, the weather, the accidents, and oh I forgot to tell about how Claire has decided to pee her pants, just because. Oh and that....I'm done for the week.

Travel sucks.

Ryan is out of town again. He has been able to NOT travel for a while. A week here and a few days there, but this is gonna suck. He is in Michigan for this entire week and probably all next week.

Whoa is me. Thankfully we are all healthy. (I am doing any superstitious thing you can think of to NOT jinx myself at this point, cause I went ahead and said it out loud. DAMN ME!) And we have a full week of activities. But still....I have to admit. It's not easy being the only one.

I give credit where massive credit is due. Single parents......you rock. I am amazed none of you go postal. I sure as hell want to after 4 straight days of...."do this, do that, don't yell, that's potty talk, stop fighting, I'M SERIOUS! Really? Tell your brother you're sorry, tell your sister you're sorry, cut it out!!!!!" And so on. You get it.

Well, the kids can be good. They are for the most part, well behaved kids. It comes with years of molding and bending to my will. But they do get lonely for their dad. And pretty much take that out on me.

So it's only Tuesday. I have to really, as they say, Buck up! But this is how I feel right now.

Maybe I haven't had enough coffee yet today.

Until they're gone....it's all about them.

Today is Mother's Day. I'm a mother. Ha ha.... a bad Mother Fucker!
No no no......just a little Mother's Day humor to get the day started.

My kids woke me up with breakfast in bed today. It was nice. Ryan actually made the breakfast, but the kids brought in the gifts. A book I love, and a garden gnome. I love garden gnomes. They crack me up. They look to me, like my uncle Tom. Ha ha ha ha.......

But Mother's Day, and Father's Day for that matter doesn't mean celebrating me or Ryan. No matter what WE want to do, it's all about our parents. Always has been.....always will be.

No matter what we want to do that day, we have the family obligations. No exceptions. Up until I was a mother, I was responsible for planning and usually hosting the family get togethers. Both sides too. Once I became a mom, that ended.

I'm not really sure why? Maybe it was the obvious sleep deprivation. Maybe the seething venom that came out my mouth, whenever anyone asked me a question or made a comment about anything. Or the "I WILL cut you" look I gave off, every time anyone asked me to do anything other then breath. Or the simple fact, my side of the family, knew better then to ask me. They JUST KNEW BETTER.

But.....like the title indicates, it's not about me or Ryan even though we are moms and dads. It's about THEM. At least until they're gone. And then...knowing MY mom...it will still somehow be about her. She's like that. And I love her.

Ransack and run!

Yesterday was THE BIG DAY! Once a year our city has citywide garage sales. I love this. I only started loving them once we were 'blessed' with children. Who the hell knew you could get brand new baby stuff for dirt cheap? I sure didn't. Thus began my obsession with garage sales.

Our city's Lion's club hosts this event. It is insane. Close to 600 sales city wide. And those are just the ones listed in the brochure. According to a friend, it is one of the biggest citywide garage sales in the country. The area hotels have specials for people who are here from out of town. I'm telling you. It's nuts.

Thursday night I was helping my neighbor with her sale, and a full on conversion van loaded with women pulled up, told us they were from Willmar, and were staying at the hotel. Where is Willmar? I don't know. I really don't care either. But suffice it to say, THEY, were women on a mission!

I don't do the matching t-shirts, the animal hats that match, the van or the trailers. I just meet my friend Shelley at a coffee house, at an un-Godly time in the morning, with brochure in hand. We stake out our territories in the brochure based on what we may need or want. Then we hop into my little SUV and off we go.

This year however I was discouraged. I left the house at 7am. The sales don't officially start until 8, but I saw a ginormous truck with a trailer, pull out of our neighborhood filled with kids stuff. So it was gonna be THAT kind of day.

Last year I was with another girlfriend along with Shelley. Funny thing...Shelley was like.....2 thousand months pregnant. Poor thing. So it was a good thing my friend Katie joined us. We did a lot of drive bys, or dumped Katie at a sale and had her scan it for us. Ha ha ha...a perk of being the driver. I didn't have to run all over the place for 'preggers' in the back seat.

This year was different. We were without our friend Katie, and without babies. Either in tow or in belly. Plus....we were looking for bigger kid stuff. And if you garage sale....you know it is mostly baby stuff, and stuff you find in your parents basement.

So we kinda had a bust. And Shelley, with 2 boys, was very disheartened that our fine city only provides girls. Everywhere you looked, pink and purple, as far as the eye could see. Shelley must have called people "bastard" a thousand times for having girls only. THIS is one of the reasons I love Shelley.

Well...as you can guess I was able to gather a few gems for Claire. She has some nice sweaters for next year. Miles got some sweet, white, linen pants to match his geektastic dad's sweet, tan, linen pants. Did I tell you it's been Ryan's dream to have him and his KOREAN son match, clothing wise? They now have the same red Chucks, and the same matching stupid linen pants. All thanks to me of course. What the hell?!?

All in all, I think next year will be tough. It will be all about the toys rather then anything else. The kids don't care about anything else. Although I have to say I got Miles the COOLEST Indiana Jones play set. Complete with destructible village and many action figures. It was only 3 dollars for a 50 dollar set. Score. And he loves it. I also had a luxurious smoked ham, white cheddar, and apricot, sandwich. Wow it was delish!!!!! Wish I had taken a photo of it. It tasted a lot better then it looked though, so it's a good thing I didn't. Besides, I will leave that stuff up to my friend Kelly.

Next year, Shelley and I have decided to wear our hootchie shorts, hooker heels, and tube tops. Apparently, this is what all the stay-at-home-soccer-moms are wearing these days. Oh! And full sets of nails and makeup. It will be classy all the way!

We ended the day when the last sale we went to looked promising from the road, and when close up, was like if MY parents had kicked the bucket and I was left to deal with all their shit. I mean....ALL their shit. WWII books about planes. Embroidered sweatshirts complete WITH collar and birds. Christmas sweaters that QVC wouldn't even sell. Nicks and knacks, bricks and bracks. Like I said.....shit. We knew it was over. GAME OVER.

Awwwww.....geez.

So I asked my dad, who did not have indoor plumbing growing up, what in fact they did when one would get the stomach flu or food poisoning. He said, and with a smart ass tone I might add, "I never had food poisoning growing up."

But then he proceeded to tell me about THE BUCKET.

DAD: "My brother and I got in trouble a few times for knocking 'the bucket' over."

ME: "Dad! I was asking about being sick. Was it a pee bucket? Cause if so, that isn't what I was asking about."

DAD: "Nope the poop bucket."

Gross. Then purely in my dad's fashion, he elaborated. I will not. Then I ended up getting a lesson in history about his house growing up, about how it was the oldest in the county, and how there were slats in the side of the house for guns to "shoot the Indians."

Jesus!

That will teach me to talk to my dad about that stuff.

Thank god for indoor plumbing.

I just want to start this out by saying....those of you who know me, in real life, know I am not always the healthiest person. Thanks to genetic liver disease, and a bout with cervical cancer, I have a minuscule immune system. But...I have to say.....in all the years of dealing with that shit? This is by far, the sickest, I and my family have been in years! What the fuck?!?

Let me just say, in the past 2 1/2 months, there has not been one week where we all have been healthy. I don't understand it. We wash our hands to the point, if someone was spying on us, (which they very well could be), they would think we all had OCD. And that I was the yelling-est mom about hand washing. I also am continuously Clorox wiping down door knobs, light switches, toilet seats, faucets, and anything else that my grubby kids touch. Not to mention vacuuming, and changing bed sheets an obnoxious number of times. We should not be sick! That being said....here is the run down of my weekend.

I was getting over a cold this week. And by Saturday it was glorious. Just a touch of a stuffy nose. Thank God! Our family was on the way to health. Claire had a runny nose, but her doc said that was gonna be normal cause her sinuses were draining. Gross. And Miles had a cough, but that has been for a while now. We just chalk that up to allergies.

Saturday night was fun. We had a good ol' fashioned Dian Friday. On a Saturday. But everyone was there. The kids played together. We all had dinner together. We had a bonfire together. It was awesome. Then when we got home. Miles spiked a fever. I don't know why. He just did. Seemed to go down after Motrin and sleeping. Then....I started to feel not so great.

I just wrote it off as...inhaled too much fire smoke. Since quitting smoking.....all smoke makes me feel kinda woozy. But.....I went to bed. Then woke up. Immediately. My guts were telling me something was NOT COOL. And then began a 5 hour yuck fest. I ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor as I was too tired to run back and forth. Stupid food poisoning. And now I hate the tiles on our bathroom floor. Must replace those.

So...Miles recovered from fever. He played outside all day Sunday like nothing was ever wrong with him. I laid in bed trying to recover and get some sleep. Ryan cleaned out both cars. And Claire, well she just mosied around, happy as you please. With chocolate, and marshmallows all over her face. I don't know where she got either.

Then at dinner, Miles complained of a sore throat. GAAAHHHH!!!!! Seriously. So today I talked to the clinic. He is going in tomorrow. Could be strep. Oh brother. But they have NO appointments today cause of the whole...H1N1 virus that people are panicking about. Damn you hypochondriacs! Now my kid can't see the doc cause you MAY have been in contact with someone who MAY have been near a pig in Mexico. Bastards. My kid only has strep.

But Saturday night I was thinking, in between trips to expel more of my dinner. How much would it suck if we didn't have a bathroom indoors. What did the pioneers do when they had food poisoning? Or my parents for that matter? I think I'll ask them. Did they have a bucket? Cause damn if my bucket wouldn't have been filled in mere moments. Gross right?

Earworms are the worst!

Do you hate earworms?

I do. The worst is when I don't know all the words to a stupid song, and I can't sleep until I sing the whole thing in my head. And never in my entire existence have I had an earworm that I liked. Ever. Never. I damn, Britney Spears, Tom Waits, and Kimya Dawson all to hell. Not that I hate all those artists. I just hated the song that was looping.

So Miles has had an earworm for a few weeks. I know...weird. How old do you have to be before it happens to you? A couple of nights ago he said to me...."Mom do you ever get a song stuck in your head, and it doesn't go away, and it makes you really mad?" Poor baby. Then he just laid down and started humming it. He looked pretty pissed off, but also a little beat down.

He told me the song was the theme song to a video game called Little Big Planet. When I went to find a link so, you too, could in fact have this pleasure, I was unable to find the specific one Miles was being tortured with.

Basically the words are this...."We're here, we're there, we're everywhere." Set to repeat. And Ryan tells me it is with creepy voices. Yikes. Poor man.

Maybe video games for Miles, not such a good idea. But on the other hand, when I play Guitar Hero, I dream of colored dots and Aerosmith. So....it could be worse.

Sitting outside (kind of)

I'm in the garage. Yep. With the kids.

I'm sick as can be and have no desire to entertain my kids. But to be honest with you they are driving me fucking ape shit. So I got them dressed, gave them lunch, and am sitting out in the garage while they ride their bikes and scooters around it.

Why the garage? Cause it's raining now. And I have some kind of gross upper respiratory garbage. So cold wet air, not my friend.

The kids got crackers, carrots, and yogurt for lunch. Along with ice cream. I didn't want to fight them. And they knew it, so they asked for the moon. And of course got it. Those sly little foxes. Anyway, they are roller skating, and sidewalk chalking now.

Ryan LOVES when we sidewalk chalk on the garage floor. But....his kids have been engineered for the outdoors. And I, right now, am not. So too bad Ryan. Sorry.

I am however healthy enough to eat noodles, and drink water. To facebook and email a friend all day long. Who incidentally just told me one of my messages got bounced cause of bad language. Ha ha. Me? Bad language? No fucking way. Either way, I re-edited, (lame corporate America) and re-sent. I am sure I am much funnier when I talk like me. Which it seems is like a truck drivin' woman. Or man. Heh.

Oh praise mother nature! I just heard Claire announce, "I found a dandelion!" Oh no. Thus will begin my several hour a day obsession with "popping" dandelions. I can't help it. It's a sickness. I have encouraged Ryan to NOT weed kill so I can pop these weeds. I will actually pop them at Nick and Jill's house when we go to hang out for bonfires, and I will take out my father in law at his own house to get them. Sickness I tell you.

The best part? Miles and Claire will fight over who can help. Hee hee!!!! They fight over who will pull the actual weed out, who will push the wheel barrow, and who will toss them in the trash. I love children. We can bend them to our sick twisted will. Or at the very least, our sick twisted obsessions.

So here I sit. Coughing up God knows what, watching my kids pull at the dandelions, and watch the garbage man roll on by.

American Girl can...SUCK IT!

I DID in fact use the high sing song voice for the SUCK IT in the title.

First, they send me the catalog. I didn't request it. Second, my son secretly snuck it into my car. Not cool Miles. Third, Claire can't get enough of it. She tells people it's her magazine with kids and dolls. She loves it.

We have been trying to figure out what to do for the kid's birthday parties this summer. I like to plan ahead.....REALLY PLAN AHEAD.

Miles has already decided to take his friends to a movie and then have a sleep over. I like it. He can invite 3 friends. Done and done. At at the age of 5, I would guess not many will stay the night.

Claire, and this is where American Girl comes into play, would like to have an American Girl party. Ok...there is an American Girl store with bistro here at the MOA. I was there on Saturday to check it out. Here's what is what. Claire will have 3 of her girlfriends, all of whom are 3 years old ONLY, and their mom's or dad's. Not that many. I was hoping to have lunch at the bistro and then maybe some rides at the MOA.

Fuck the bistro and fuck the store. Why you ask.....here it is.
The bistro is prix fixe. $15 per person. That includes appetizer, entree, and dessert. Not bad. Kinda cheap for most, but for 3 year olds who only want chicken nuggets and mac and cheese, and then only take 2 bites? Hell no.

And really, I don't want her getting into these dolls. They are a huge deal apparently. I don't like them. I don't like the fact they cost $100 for the least expensive doll. I don't like the fact you have to pay $20 to have their hair done. I don't like the fact they tried to have ethnically diverse dolls but just really used colored plastic instead of flesh tone. And to top it all off dressed these dolls in traditional clothing. Lame and stupid and dumb.

Gahhh!!!! I just don't like it at all. Sorry for all you fans of American Girl. Sorry to all of you who think they are good ol' fashioned "goodness" for your kids. I vehemently abhor them. It occurs to me, as I write this post, they are kinda the devil in doll's clothing. Such a trend, sent to the masses, and such a status symbol. And only will set you back $100 at the minimum per doll. Forget all the accessories.

Crap. Now I have to figure out something else to do for Claire's party. Damn if Sanrio closed it's doors years ago. That would have been ideal. HELLO! Kitty. I Heart you. You are a good deal. And way cooler.

What the hell do they make those things out of?

While hanging out at my parents house, my dad was clearing out the garage for "spring cleaning". He found a box of my old toys.

Now when I say old....I mean OLD.

My dad dug out all my Strawberry Shortcake dolls. Claire loves Strawberry Shortcake right now. It's made it's comeback, and there is a cartoon right now on Saturday mornings. We DVR it so she can watch it.

Anyway....Claire was elated when my dad brought them in. I on the other hand...was not.

Claire lifted the tiny dolls to her face, took a huge whiff, and said, "MMMMMMM smells yummy!"

GROSS!!!!! They STILL smell? I mean good lord! Those things are at least 27 years old if not older. And yes...do the math..I had them when I was about 7 or 8. They were cool. I never said I was though.

Either way......I want to know how they make something like that retain smell. These things have been in an old musty garage for decades. And they still reek like fruity goodness. Creepy if you ask me.

And 'they' are worried about all the stuff endangering our kids today. I say.....WE should worry. Those toys we had....dangerous shit.

MOA

We are going to the Mall of America today. Why? Cause they have some kind of Korean thing there today. And as you may or may not know, I am Korean. As are my kids. Not Ryan though. He's about as white as you please.

Ryan wants the kids to see the Tae Kwon Do and the dance shit they have demonstrated. We are meeting my sister in law there. She is the one who told Ryan about it. You would think the Korean, (me) would have known about it. But not so much. ( Check it out )

So....we are going. To see lots of Koreans. You would think Ryan got enough of that at home.

I hope I don't lose my kids there. It would be like trying to find 2 Asian kids at Disneyworld.

Seriously Suburbs? Seriously?

Wanna hear the oh-my-fucking-god story for the week?

I live in the suburbs of St. Paul. Very harmless. VERY suburban. VERY. We moved into a newer neighborhood when we bought this house. It is a quiet street. Lots of kids. No crime, no shenanigans, no monkey business. There is one entrance in and out of our neighborhood. Just one. So little to no traffic. And the kids are free to play in the streets, without fear of being hit by cars.

People know each other. People look out for each other's kids. We watch each other's homes when we are out of town. It is a good neighborhood.

I have talked a few times here about my neighbor who is a St. Paul police officer, who I found out has been promoted to Sergeant. I don't know the distinction, but he is cool. He also works SWAT for the Department. I have no worries here. We are friends. Our kids play together. We have dinner and drinks together on occasion.
All around good guy. And as my friend Brian said...."I wouldn't mess with him!"

We always share neighborhood goings on. He likes to know the happs. And since I stay at home and talk to a lot of the moms....we chat. He gets the goods and then follows up if it seems a bit shady. For instance. We have a HUGE white house at the entrance of our neighborhood. It is gigantic. And it was sold about 2 years ago. Maybe less. Anyway, I heard through the neighborhood grapevine, the owners were renting it. On Craigslist. Room by room. Eh. I don't care about that. I actually lived in a house like that. Cheap. But it was in a college neighborhood. So he diligently checked it out. As well as some of the other neighbors who are more busy bodies then I would care for. But they called the county to make sure the house had been "homesteaded" correctly for renters. It had.

So the other day, we were in the yard with our kids. (His wife is pregnant and expecting their 3rd.) His wife and I were just sitting on the steps and Ryan and him were doing their best to run the kids down for the night....nice right? And he says to me all the sudden, "You won't believe the neighborhood gossip I've got for you!"

Apparently there is another St. Paul officer who lives in the neighborhood. He has done more checking on that house. Why? I have no idea. But who am I to complain.

He found out the house is not homesteaded correctly. At least not to rent out to about 7 different families. And to top it off....it's being investigated. Why you ask? Well how about this.

There are 2 women who have been hooking out of it, and advertising their "goods and services" on Craigslist.

Yeah. We walk the kids by there every night. On our "family" walk after dinner. I thought it was poor form when they had that damn kid, who couldn't have been more then 2, in a diaper, on the front steps with them while they were smoking whatever, in the middle of the late fall early winter. Poor kid. Now I come to find out we have our own trashy red light district.

Oh well. I guess we have a full service neighborhood. It could or could not be a selling point on MLS listings for houses on our street.

4BR 5BA house on quiet street with door to door hooker service.

I know people who would love it. And the economy is for shit, so....a girl's gotta work. Right?

WHY LORD? WHY?

Every once in a while, Ryan and I get some "alone" time. It's right after the kids go to bed. But before one of them inevitably wakes up and wanders into our room.

When I say "alone" time I am pretty sure I don't have to elaborate. Right grown ups?

So "alone" time is rare these days. The kids are old enough to say, "What are you doing?" But young enough to just barge right in without even knocking.

Anyway...last night was one of those lucky nights. And then during, yes yes during, we hear Miles FALL OUT OF BED. Weird. He never falls out of bed. Mood breaker. So Ryan went in, put him back in bed, and then came back....well you know.

Then we hear...*clunk*. I just start laughing at this point, cause really God? Really?

Skip ahead about 3 hours and sure enough...Claire comes bounding in. I'm not sure what was the reason. She just came in, laid down on the floor with pillow, blanket and her kitty, and proceeded to whisper her to herself. Oh yeah, and kick her legs around for hours. Oh for fuck's sake. She has this little down comforter, so all we heard was.....whisper whisper whisper, clunk clunk clunk, rustle rustle rustle.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So after threatening bodily harm, (in my mind people in my mind) I said to her, "Claire! You have got to stop kicking your legs or go back into your room!"

You know when you are so tired. And all you want to do is sleep. And there is a noise that is just driving you to think all kinds of murderous thoughts? Well that was it for me last night. Truly. I know the poor kid was trying to settle herself down, but she couldn't. It was a classic case of, I have to do what you just told me not to cause now it's in my head and I can't get it out.

So off to her room she went. And she did put a fight. That girl knows what to do. But I'm on to her. She pulled out all the stops. First she cried. But quietly. Then she said, "Mom, but I will be alone." Sob sob. I know, kind of makes you feel bad a little. Unless you hear it a lot. Then the correct response is this.....

"You're not alone. Go to your room!"

Come on. I'm not heartless. It was 3:43 in the morning and she knew what she was doing. So I followed her into her room. Asked her if she was ok and then realized she had leg cramps. She was kicking her legs all over the place once she laid down. So I gave her tylenol, explained that sometimes girls get crazy legs, kissed her, and said goodnight.

AHHHHHHhhhhhhh......it worked.

Until 4:12 am when she came running in. I had fallen back to sleep for sure and of course, she whispered to me. "Mommy." It scared the shit out of me like I have said it does. She just stood there. Looming. Looking at me. So after I grabbed my heart out of my gullet, I said, "good night Claire I love you." Kissed her again and off she went.

She slept until I woke her up at 8am. Too bad Miles was up at 5:45.

The moral of this story is...don't try to do it with your husband unless you don't want to sleep. At all. Ever.

*note*
When I read this to Ryan, Miles heard it and laughed. I omitted the language of course, and Miles said to me, "Mom! That blog is so hilarious!" All the while laughing and slapping his knee. Weird kid.

Oh Miles-ey

First off...let me explain why I have a photo of BOTH kids when this post is about Miles. The kids got hand-me-down rollerskates from my nephew out in California. Claire of course took to them like a fish in water. Miles on the other hand was very very cautious. He is my cautious kid. He waited to see how many times his sister would fall. Then I am sure his little calculator of a brain figured out if the risk was worth the pain. He did it. Loved it. And I can say, made it around the neighborhood last night on them. He's my analytical/non risk taker. So it is a BFD.

Miles is my oldest. And today....he earned his own post.

The kids had their pre-school "parent recognition tea" today. During school, the kids gather together in the atrium and sing to the parents who are already having coffee and breakfast. It's nice.

First, all the kids line up. Claire's class was in one end of the atrium, and Miles' on the other. While the director of the school was thanking all the parents for their children and stuff......I hear...."Hey Claire!!!! Hi Claire!!!!! I'm over here!" Yes sir-ree bob! My son yelled across the room of several dozen parents to say hello to his sister. Cute right? Hold on....

Then they sang their songs. Half way through, during a break, Miles asks Miss Mary Music, (I shit you not. That is the MADE UP name she gave herself)out loud, in front of everyone, if they were going to "sing his song now?" She politely ignored him.

And HOLY SHIT I am glad they did!

After the tea, some parents came up to me to tell me, "Your kids are so cute. What was the song Miles wanted to sing?"

Oh for the LOVE! The song is Paradise City by Guns and Roses.

I can't even begin to explain the sheer dread I felt when he yelled this out. I was praying, and I was in a church, that LORD!!!!PLEASE!!!!!DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!! Clearly I am not a religious person. But this school is awesome and my kids love it. So I go and keep my language and bullshit in check. But how the fuck do you conceal a song like that? Especially when the only lyrics my kid knows from the song are the chorus? I mean most of it is ok....but when you have an almost 5 year old bellowing at the top of his little vibrato voice..."Where the girls are pre-tay!" Can't hide the fact we are sinners at that point.

So as the kids were passing out their thank you gifts to parents, I did my best to whisper to Miles that in fact Paradise City probably isn't a school song. Cause I know my kid, and I know without a doubt, he would sing it for his class once they got back to the room. Then I would have to have THE TALK with Miss Laura. Again.

Like the.....Hey mom is 35 today and says she might have PMS talk. Or the.....My mom says that I should sit on toilets in public cause it's gross if I pee on the floor. Or my personal favorite....Our friends Dave and Brent came over last night. They're married and Dave is the wife. Poor Miss Laura. I am betting she doesn't hear that everyday.

So in honor of my son's pure, unadulterated, naive, innocence...I write this post to let you know...he rocks.

All things Claire.

Why just Claire you ask? Because she is frickin' hilarious lately and I have to put it out there.

My poor baby has been sick sickity sick for the past few weeks on and off. Coughing, runny nose, and whoppers of fevers. We are talking the highest 105.6. Right?!?
Yowza. Ryan almost had a stroke of his own when he saw that. But through it all, aside from the obscenely high fever, my daughter has been chatty, playful, and very funny. Weird if you ask me. But you didn't.

I know that when I am sick, even a minuscule amount, I am the biggest, I-gotta-be-in-bed-all-the-live-long-day, kind of girl. Trust me. But not Claire. She is right in there messing with her brother. Who is bored out of his mind by the way cause he is trapped indoors with a sick sister who is torturing him. Relentlessly.

One of the things she loves to do is give something to her brother, or do something really nice, and then promptly tell him, "Now go tell mom!" Meaning...tell mom I was nice to you damnit. I'm all about teaching my kids manners and class. Can you tell?

Another thing, and I have told this story already, but she has been on antibiotics and you know how it can wreak havoc on a kid's digestive system. So in order to get her to eat her yogurt EVERY DAY I tell her she will get *gulp* diarrhea. Gross!!!! Yep..and of course she did.

me: "Claire did you go poop?"
her: "ummmm no....sumpin' else."
me: "What else?" (I am inching my way into the bathroom at this point with the 'oh shit face.'
her: "duh mommy. You KNOW it's diaweah!"

And sure as shit (pun totally intended) it was. Trumpets, confetti, and angels singing, cause HELL YEAH! She did the dirty nasty deed in the toilet!!!!! A first! Cause you know what kind of mishaps we have had in the past with it all. ( see previous post)

She is also compelled to sing "Happy Birthday" whenever she has a snack or treat. She covers it up, sings the song, blows out her candles, wishes out loud that she gets whatever it is she has, opens it up and then says...."Just what I wanted! I love it!" I guess us teaching the kids to be thankful for any gift has gone a little overboard with her. Eh...could be worse. She could tell herself she already has it and then be mad about the treat. Ha! That would be funny.

The other thing she does lately that drives Ryan to drink, (not drunky drunkerson drink, you're welcome Ryan), is talk. Non-stop, continuously, unceasingly. I thought I talked a lot. Nope. She has got me beat by miles and miles or words. The girl will talk herself to sleep. Correction. She will whisper herself to sleep. Creepy shit if you ask me. Whispering kids freak me the fuck out! I don't dig it. That is why I have plotted and planned for years to have Ryan sleep on the side of the bed that is closest to the door. I don't want kids coming into my room in the middle of the night and whispering to me about some monster or spooky shadow. So for years Ryan got it. Heh heh heh. Evil genius? Maybe. Not so much when your youngest is the one waking up, whispering, and only wanting mom. Crap. Oh sorry...tangent.

Anyway....I have Claire on the brain. Cause she is funny and cute and sassy and all the good stuff most 2 and a half year olds should be.

*additional note*
I forgot to have you look at my daughter. Notice she is Korean. Then imagine her saying, "UFF-DA" and "Yah you Betcha!" Cause she does. And it cracks me up! Her very Scandinavian dad likes it.

*swoon*

I have been on a Ewan McGregor kick lately. Well....really IFC has been, but I have been following with gusto!

I have been DVRing all the movies. I have to say, I have seen them all. I HEART them all. And it started with Trainspotting.

Who gets all giddy-as-a-school-girl over some strung out heroin junkie on the big screen? Oh hello that would be me.

And then there was.....Moulin Rouge. He sings! Hallelujah. Hot diggity damn!

I watched a very obscure movie with him, and equally swoon worthy, Ryan Gosling called Stay. Eh....at least they had good looking men in the movie. Otherwise....bust.

I Love love LOVE him in Big Fish. He is so adorable and likeable and strangely attractive as a Southern gentleman.

But I have to say, of all his movies, the one that make my son pleased as god damned punch is.....dun da dun duuuuuunnnnnnnn......

Star Wars episodes I II and III. Thank you George Lucas for young Obi Wan. It made me WANT to watch them to my son's delight. Won't he be all, "gross mom!!!!!" When he finds out the real reason I watched them? Heh heh.

Anyway. I was thinking about it. And am thankful that having a crush on this MAN will get me further away from my devotion to all things teen. ( see previous post)

Just tossing it out there. He's dreamy. Sorry Ryan. I can blog about Salma Hayek. Sometime. Not now though.

I really love this age. I do.

We had a play date today with some friends we met through friends. It was so so nice. She has 3 kids. 5, 3, and 1. Their oldest J, is a boy and plays with Miles. They are buddies. The 3 year old E, is a girl and plays with Claire. And the youngest J, doesn't care to play with anyone but his mother at this point.

It was wonderful. My friend made us lunch after school and to be honest, it was the only time we saw the two older boys. They played together. Didn't bother us at all. We actually got to have "grown up" talk. Crazy.

The girls played together on and off. If Claire wasn't so crabby to begin with I am sure I wouldn't have seen her either, with the exception of feeding her face. She was a bit tired. My first clue of her fatigue was the fact, when talking to my friend about something completely random, she closed her eyes. And opened them very slowly. You know the look. Drugged toddler.

Either way, the kids played together. No fighting, no complaining, no crying. Amazing if you ask me. 4 kids together. Who, mind you, don't see each other a whole lot. It was cool. I like it.

I like that I can have a conversation with my friend without having to half listen cause some kid is snotting on my leg or partially pulling my pants off cause they lost their balance. They are able to do for themselves and entertain themselves.

Self sufficiency. It's good. All together a wonderful day. Thanks W's. You guys rock!

I think Ryan's worried about it.

So again...reading the Sunday paper and there is a fascinating article titled, "As Boomers care for their parents, who will care for them?" By Jeremy Olson. St. Paul Pioneer Press

It's on the front page. And of course I had to read it as, well, my parents are said boomers.

Basically it says that the boomer generation has fewer children to take care of them in old age. Due to there being so many baby boomers and some choosing not to have kids or having kids later in life. There aren't enough of us to go around. Us meaning Generation X or Y or a bit older....you get it.

I have always known I was gonna take care of my parents as they got older. It starts out easy like, packing groceries at the store, cutting the grass or shoveling once in a while, moving furniture for them, and just little things around the house. I'm not convinced they CAN'T do this stuff. They just don't want to. Ehhh...whatever. I mean I live a good 20 miles from them so it's not like I do things every day for them. It's when I have to shower them, change them, wait on them hand and foot, and basically become their indentured servant that I dread.

I am also one of four girls. I am the oldest. Two of my sisters are completely unable to assist my parents in anyway shape or form. One lives in California and the other lives in a group home. I am already her guardian/conservator. My youngest sister Cindi is 27. And as stated in an early post, she has moved back in with my parents with her almost 5 year old son. Temporarily mind you. So for now...she is the lackey for the "I don't want to do this shit, shit." Heh heh....That's ok. Cause as my BFF and the online urban dictionary says...I gonna get my come-uppins.

My parents and my godmother have joked for years that they are all gonna live in my basement with the "shrooms" Oh yeah...my godmother is probably going to be my responsibility too. Her daughter is pretty selfish and lives in Las Vegas with her kid. She just isn't in the place to take care of her mom when the time comes. I don't mind. My godmother is a second parent to me, so it's just natural.

But today, Ryan and I were talking about it...of course prompted by this article. And he says to me, "your parents are gonna live with us aren't they?" I just looked at him with the face that said....no duh! You know, eyebrows raised and my mouth just turned up slightly in the corner. Poor Ryan.

His parents have told me there is NO WAY they are gonna be a burden on their kids. I think they mean it too. I mean they still help us with shit now and then..so...whatev. And besides...it's not my issue. Ryan has 2 older sisters. And one of them lives behind her parents.

I just keep thinking what it would be like to live with my parents again. Old, ornery, incontinent, and bored. Oh. Fuck. Me. And I thought 2 kids was tough.

Thankfully it will be a while. My dad is so like my grandmother. He will fight tooth and nail to stay in his OWN house. My grandmother was blind and all and refused to move. She passed in her house. Just the way she wanted. Sadly my mom will be pushing for condo city as soon as she hits 70. I know it. And it won't be long. But she also has no qualms in living with us or having me take care of them. I helped my mom and her 5 siblings care for my grandparents before they passed away. IT'S WHAT YOU DO. I get that. I know that. It's ingrained in me. But she had 5 other brothers and sisters to help. I have one. Just one. And I happen to think my parents are much more demanding then my grandparents were. I'm just sayin'.

So....here I am. 35 and wondering when the first shoe is gonna drop. Cause Ryan will need some kind of get away. He loves my parents but my mom can make him BON-KERS! Yep I used the high sing song voice for that one too.

Imagine what the posts will be like then. Oh brother. The first one will be more of an SOS then a post.

"Getting a bigger house for parents, godmother and the 'shrooms'. Send liquor by the barrel please."

This occured to me today in the shower.

I will never be accused of being "too" skinny.

Anorexic I am not, nor ever will be.

I think when I am "working out" (and I use that term lightly), that maybe I will love it so much that I will become addicted. That I will start eating right, get a six pack and be able to wear whatever the hell I want. I would be able to put on the first outfit I find and think...damn...works for me. Instead I do this...."GOD DAMNIT!!!"

I know some people love working out so much because of these mythical things called endorphins, that they overdo it.

I for one have never heard, seen, or felt endorphins. I believe they are an urban legend. Therefore why would I work my self to death for them?

I also do not have a "lightning fast" metabolism as my good friend Kelly boasts. Totally not fair. Maybe that's why he can do the food blog and still look healthy and in good shape at his age. You know you are kind of a fucker for that Kelly. Deep down I am jealous. Maybe you work out and watch what you eat, but probably not. You're probably just a lucky dude. *sigh*

I on the other hand, am not a lucky dude. I did however tell my husband when we got married my goal was to be the biggest of all the women in his family. There are 4 of us gals. And yes people...I'm winning.

I am going to say...I don't think I am fat. That is for sure. I'm not. But apparently for my height, I should be almost 20 lbs lighter. If that happens...ha ha ha...I WILL be accused of being too skinny.

Don't yell at me. I just was thinking this as I was seeing myself sans clothing today and my mind wandered...........

That's kinda it.

OH WAIT!!!

I forgot this one...I will never EVER use the excuse, "I forgot to eat."
Seriously? What.The.Fuck. Who the hell forgets to eat.
You are lame if you use it as an excuse for getting too skinny. I have 2 kids and I ALWAYS remember to eat. Lame ass skinny people...please....forgot to eat? My ass.

I don't HEART this shit.

I got Miles into camp. Yes yes..I am mother of the year. I was up until midnight. I only dozed for a few minutes. I think.

And sure as shit at 7am when I checked....3 of the 12 slots had been filled. GAAH! And I was up at 6:30 to get the kids ready for school. Stupid Parks and Rec with their.."we're so competitive." And yes, I used the juvenile mocking voice with that quote.

Claire came home from school yesterday with a raging fever. It was strange. She was fine when I picked her up, and the minute we walked in the door....bawl fest ensued. She cried for hours then passed out. I thought it was because her mouth hurt cause she is getting those molars. But nope. She woke up with a 103 fever. Ugh. Again. Here we go a-fucking-gain.

So off to the clinic. And after several tests, no flu, no strep, no UTI. Just virus. Really?!? Now..I am not a fan of antibiotics, but to be honest, I am sick of her having fever and knowing she is contagious. I want something to kill it and stop it and get rid of it and not get the rest of us sick in the process. Oh wait...I mean get ME sick. Funny. I know I'm not the only one as the nurse who was seeing Claire said..."this is why I'm not having kids. I get sick enough with everyone else's kids. I don't want that at my house too." Jeez! I say, lady.....quit your day job.

And on another "yay me" note. Ryan got a call last night at 8PM. 8PM!!! The dude said they needed him in Texas. For 4 WEEKS. Ryan hung up the phone and said, "why did I answer that call? I should have let it go!" Seriously?!? Really?!? God. And he is going to be in Chicago for a week next week. So that means...5 weeks with Ryan traveling. I don't heart it. Silver lining I guess would be, at least I have sick kids now when he is home.

Really...today is all about me bitching. But hey..this is my blog. I can bitch if I want to. Isn't there a song like that? Oh no? Well there should be.

Right now Claire has a fever but is playing with her brother. He is throwing a stick at her and yelling "fetch". And she is getting it. She is a dog I guess. Woof woof.

Ben Affleck annoys me and why the hell is Steve-O dancing on Regis and Kelly? Why the hell is Regis and Kelly on my television? Good lord. Send help now.

For the LOVE!!!!!

Ok..like I said in my previous post..I'm tired. Claire was up for 4 hours last night. In the middle of the night. Just chatting away like it was 2 in the afternoon.

I haven't been sleeping well. And well, today I knew with all the fresh air me and the kids were getting I was gonna sleep so well, Ryan would have to check to see if I was breathing! I was looking forward to it. Several uninterrupted hours of sleep. I knew it was gonna happen. Claire was wiped out! Bliss...

Until THIS shit happened.

I had just mailed in Miles' registration for our Parks and Recreation's kindergarten camp. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said camp. This specific camp. I being completely naive about it just perused the catalog they sent and picked one out. I read that I just have to send in my money and registration form by April 15 for resident registration. Done and done.

Today I get an email telling me I should register online today. I called cause..hell to the no if I am going to double pay for it, and asked the very polite woman why they can't just sign my kid up?

First off...she remembers my name. Weird right? Second she tells me, "I didn't recognize your name from previous years and I wanted you to get this slot. But I feared if you waited until WE could register you on paper you would lose out."

Huh?

I don't get that really. They she proceeds to tell me how competitive it is to get these slots. Blah blah suburban bullshit...age group is popular, blah blah too much doin' it 5 years ago so there are tons of kids his age.....and so I should register online.

Fine. I will register online. THEN she tells me registration BEGINS TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT. I asked her half laughing if she really thought that I was gonna sit up all night waiting to get my kid into some lame camp for 5 year olds(minus the lame comment). She said there were only 12 spots for the specific camp that Miles wanted.
Which basically told me...keep your sleepy ass up and register your fucking kid you terrible ass person, who clearly doesn't love their kid enough.

So I'm up. It's 10:31 pm. I am tired. I am crabby. I am annoyed that I live in the suburbs right now. I hate that Miles didn't want to learn chess like he had originally told us but then had his dad teach him. I am however, glad he could give two shits about soccer or T-ball, as the woman told me there was slim to no chance of us getting him into that.

Only 1 and a half hours left before I virtually push, shove, kick, and bite my way into our city's parks and recreation department. All in the name of Kindergarten camp. Fuck.

I know I have one out there.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I have been having bouts of insomnia for the past month or so.

As I was clicking around the channels late last night, I landed on the Disney Channel and couldn't turn away. It hooked me as soon as I saw them. The Mowrey sisters. You know the ones. Sister Sister! Twins separated at birth then adopted by different families...then find each other later in life...blah blah..very Urban Parent Trap. I think at one point when I was pregnant it was the only show I would watch and I would cry. Pathetic. Stupid hormones.

Either way...this movie was very similar to the tv show. Twin sisters separated at birth and adopted into other families. Find each other later in life. One was adopted into a super rich family, the other adopted into a single parent home and the mother had just passed away. They find out they are twin witches...TWITCHES.

I DVR'D the rest of it and Ryan saw it. He said he was very disappointed. I think he was jealous that he didn't watch the WHOLE thing. heh heh heh.

It got me thinking though.

I'm adopted. I can be "tv funny" at times. Once in a while sitcom-esque things happen to me and can be tied up in about 30 minutes if I am on my game.

Maybe I have a magical twin out there.

The more I think about it the more I am convinced it must be so. I like the idea of a magical twin. Just think of the shenanigans that would ensue.......magical misunderstandings. Magical mishaps. Magical life......ahhhhh. Sounds cool.

However just a plain old twin? Forget it. No magic? No dice.
And damn you Disney channel for making me think this early in the morning.

*deep sigh* To Christian.

Ok...sorry Chris. I've been a little busy. Living my life. Unlike you who just got engaged and stuff. Hee hee. Congrats by the way.

So this past weekend has been full of things.

We had a great friend over for dinner on Friday and spent most of the night playing with legos. I have to say it was my son's dream night. Being he is kinda geeky in his almost 5 years of life. But we all....ALL....sat around and played. My goal, to Ryan's dismay, was to find all the flat ones, and put them together in a huge cube. If you know legos, you know that doing this will result in an awesome cube. One that will make your fingers bloody taking them apart if you need one. Heh heh.

Then we just color coded the rest. I got all the red ones and made it into a block and so on with colors and who got what color. Even Claire got in on that sweet action. And just for reference, we probably have hundreds of legos. It took hours.

Saturday we had a gathering of sorts with some folks I went to high school with. They, along with spouses, and kids or just their damn selves came for appetizers and drinks. It was nice. Seeing all these people. Some I haven't seen since graduation. We are hoping to make it a monthly thing. Rotating houses. I like this plan. The kids got along remarkably well considering very few of them had ever met.

Just a few of the folks over.

I did hear some sad news on Saturday from a dear friend....that another friend is having rough times. No details...and I promised NOT to talk about it here, but just wanted to say....hang in there friend. You'll be fine. Thinking of you.

On to the Easter holiday. So.....I went to church. Ah...I know....I'm not a fan, but my in-laws are. So I went. I am a good little girl. Then brunch at their house followed by the "big" easter egg hunt.

In the past years my sister-in-law J would TAKE OUT the toddlers to get her eggs. All in fun mind you...but take them out none the less. The eggs usually contain candy and money. Money being the reason for the take down of kids. Her husband says it is the only time she is allowed to do it without repercussions. Ha. Once the madness has ensued, the kids will open the eggs and see what they got. Inevitably J will try to "trade" with the kids...her chocolate for their money. RIGHT?!?!?

It has worked in the past and J always gives the money back, but this year my son...wise beyond his years told me...."I'm not gonna trade J for my money this year! I want to buy Star Wars action figures." Ha ha....I told her too. So her husband, who LOVES Miles, helped him gain most of the cash. And he got a lot. I made him give his uncle a dollar as a thank you. Cause lord knows...he got shit loads.

Now I have to go to Target and let the kids spend their booty. They have more money then me. I really should join in the egg hunt. It isn't age specific, and I could totally take out J. I have a good 10 pounds on her. She wouldn't see it coming.
And it would be funny. I really like J. She's funny and fun. Just the kind of aunt the kids love too.
Claire after she looked at all her "stuff"


Ryan helping Claire.


Uncle M helping Miles.


Miles and Claire looking for more eggs.

Just a few from the egg hunt. Seriously. These fools RUN.

All in all a fun weekend. I did miss seeing my BFF though. It has been weeks....WEEKS since a Dian Friday. And baseball started, so that means...weeks more probably. *sigh*

Yay Spring!

It's that time again folks! Like when Punxsutawney Phil pokes his little head out. It's a sure sign of spring! Outside running!!!!

I can't even begin to tell you how much I LOVE outside running.
Ryan runs everyday. He runs in the basement on the treadmill in the winter. But pretty much once the weather is above 40 degrees and for many many months he runs outside. With the kids. In the double jogger. For at least an hour and a half.



This is something he has done since Miles was a baby. We also have 2 jogging strollers. And Ryan is pure fashion statement when he runs.

Ryan is a barefoot runner. I don't know why. It is supposedly the best most natural way to run. I say it's the best way to get blisters, and glass. Also gangrene. But..he does it. But not outside. He wears.....Aquasocks when he runs outside. He wears, shorts (not spandex thank god), some sort of long sleeve shirt, socks, and Aquasocks. My Bff has seen this ensemble. And laughed her ass off. It IS hysterical, but Ryan doesn't care. It suits him just fine.

He takes the kids on a 7-10 mile run depending on the weather and how they are doing. He gives them water bottles and snacks. He lets them get out and run through the nature preserve with him if they want to. That only really lasts for about 15 minutes, but they do it. And then on his "cool down" he stops at a park for the kids to play at. Now this addition of the park began last year when the kids got bigger and Ryan needed more of a break. This also can sometimes add 45 minutes of quiet bliss to my day on top of the already hour run.

Today is the first outside run of 2009. I wonder how it will go. I bet with how much the kids have grown over the fall and winter, Ryan will be at the park a good hour, hour and a half. EEEEE Hee hee hee hee hee.

I love outside runs!!!!!!

*edit to today's post*
The kids came running up to the house today after the run. Ryan was down the street talking to our neighbor. And what the hell did I see? Bare fucking feet. Yeah. That's right. He IS that guy. Hello gangrene. Here we come.

Things that are "funny" to me

Some things are funny HA HA, and some things are, Hmmmm?That's.Funny.

~ the MN Zoo's baby animal farm is sponsored by Hormel. And their mascot is a piglet looking over a fence. Too many jokes to mention.

~ Samuel L. Jackson makes crazy cash to show up somewhere and say "Bad Mother Fucker"
I can say that all day. Where's my millions?

~ any fool can have a baby, but when Ryan and I wanted kids, we had to go through months of prying, paperwork, and interviews. Not to mention tens of thousands of dollars.

~ my 4 year old doesn't look through rose colored glasses, he sees through Star Wars "version" glasses. All the damn day long.

~ my parents are driving out to CA to see my sister, when they called the other day driving through Iowa in a blizzard, they didn't understand why there weren't any cars. I went online to see Iowa's Dept of Trans...apparently the highway they were on was CLOSED. Classic.

~ toddler or baby beauty pageants. They aren't what's so funny, it's their freak parents that crack me up.

~ when Claire goes to the bathroom she comes out and says, "that was a lots of pee!" Reminds me of some of the guys I hung out with in college.

~ my 7 year old nephew who lives in Los Angeles has a favorite tv show. The Girls Next Door. He said they are the most beautiful ladies ever. I need to have a chat with my sister. After I stop laughing.

~ Tyra Banks. That's all. Tyra Banks.

~ Vegetarians who don't eat meat for animal rights, but wear leather, eh ehemmmm *wear leather pants*, and have leather furniture cause, "all those animal carcasses would be laying around from the meat eaters otherwise."

That's about it. I have many more kid ones but....those would go on forever. And most likely, they are only funny to me. You guys have any?

Damn Coffee maker!

Many years ago I made desserts for restaurants. It was a career change I made after working in Social Service for years. It was a good way to keep my mind off of not having kids at the time.

So I made up my own recipes, and started selling the desserts to restaurants. It was pretty good. I made money. And Ryan loved them. He would bring new recipes to his job and they would eat them and report back. I also made sure not to use any crap in the baked goods, as Ryan won't eat Hydrogenated oils. So win win all around.

I had made this really awesome bittersweet chocolate mousse tart with raspberries. I liked it and so did many others. So I submitted it for some kind of contest. Lame right, but I figured...what have I got to lose? And I didn't have to bake it. I just had to send it to the magazine and they made it and told me if I won or not.

Jump ahead to several months later...and I won. 2nd place. But it's better then getting kicked in the face. My prize was...published recipe in some magazine, and 1500 dollars to Kitchen Aid.com.

Awesome for me since Ryan and I had just bought a new house. So we got to pick out whatever we wanted. It was fun.

I picked out this coffee maker. I love it. It makes coffee so fast. It also comes with a second pot and warming plate so you can actually have 2 pots of coffee made at a time. That worked well for us as we usually host family gatherings that require us to go through 2 pounds of coffee at a time.

But this last week....it died. The pump just crapped out. Boooo!!!! Hisssssss!!!

We had to buy a new one as the Kitchen aid one had certainly passed it's warranty. I guess 7 years for a coffee maker isn't all that bad.

Strangely enough, the coffee maker we just bought was the one we had previous to the Kitchen aid. We gave it to our friends. It was almost brand new when we gave it to them and their's had just gone south...so it worked out. I guess it is all full circle.

It's a Cuisinart. Our friend Sk3tch told us to do the Cuisinart. So we did. We liked it before. Just not as much as the Kitchen aid. I'm sad again.

*What the hell with the spacing you ask? Me too.*

I should really stop eating sugar before bed

So my BFF has been having these really odd dreams as of late. She has been posting about them. And of course I have been teasing a little. But last night I had me a doozie!

Talk about CAH-RAY-ZIE!!!

Miles had to get a haircut. This in real life is true. He is getting the "hulk" hair as Ryan calls it.

So I brought him to a stylist. She told me because he was little I would get a 15% discount. "Ok" I said. Then she proceeded to "style" his hair. With scrambled eggs, sausage, and kimchee. Gross. Anyway. When she was done, he had super long hair. With little, dreds here and there with beads on the ends. He was also blonde. But he still looked like Miles. So there was no cause for alarm. Weird right? I give her a Korean boy and she gives me a blonde hippie

The "What the Fuck Moment" came next.

Then she gave me the bill. $140.00!!!!! I freaked out. To which the bitch said to me, "What are you gonna do? Write about it in your blog? You're writing sucks anyway! I'm not scared." So I paid the little tart. And yelled a string of swears that I didn't even know I knew. Then my mom showed up and took Miles to see Ryan.

The end.

I have no idea what that meant. I do have to say I have been struggling with ideas for the blog lately. That maybe some of it, but the blonde kid? I got nothin'.

Next time you should plan it to avoid further cancellations

Oh my poor friend Heather. Today is the 2nd time I have planned a shopping excursion with her in the past 6 months, and had to cancel on her due to illness. I think it is a sign. Maybe I can't plan this stuff. Maybe...just maybe, Heather is supposed to be planning this stuff. Hee hee.

Either way, my previous post about me and Claire not being too sick? Well scratch that. 2 full days of fever for us both, would put us in the "petty sick" category. Ugh.

Ryan has taken it all very well. Not only has he had both kids sleeping in our room on the floor the past few nights, he also has taken to cleaning things like crazy. I know he doesn't want to get sick. Who does really? But he has cleaned the house with such gusto, you would think the Ebola virus passed through it.

And because all I want to do is sleep, he has been entertaining the kids. They have had a day of....popcorn, rootbeer, ice cream, and fruit snacks. All of this while watching The Empire Strikes Back. They did have some play doh time and some just play time, but I think they really enjoy taking it easy. Claire is still feverish and coughy and snotty. And Miles is starting to get sick. I can hear it in his little voice.

Oh and Ryan bought a new coffee maker yesterday. Too bad my throat is so hurty I couldn't have any this morning. Whoa is me.

So...in conclusion. Heather...you should plan the next shopping trip. I bet I don't get sick if you do it.