When Miles came to us from Korea, he didn't have any issues with us. He looked right at us like he KNEW we were his family. He came to us willingly and happily. He smiled for Ryan and me. It's as if he already loved us.
The agency told us, "This isn't normal." They wanted to use us as members of a Korean adoption panel for potential adoptive parents, because I'm a first generation Korean adoptee, adopting a baby from Korea. Sounds promising. But after our post placement visits, they said that we wouldn't really be good panel members because we had no "adjustment or grieving from Miles at all." And that it wasn't really terribly fair to get parents hopes up that all kids coming from Korea would be so calm and loving. Eh whatever. Ryan on a panel, having to talk in front of a bunch of strangers? No thanks. So we happily went on our merry way loving Miles and
maybe privately gloating that our son had no issues. That maybe because I was Korean too, it eased his adjustment, or we were positively the BEST parents of all time in the world. Nay...the universe.
Cut to us getting Claire. The kid bawled the moment she laid eyes on Ryan. She wouldn't let him hold her at the airport. She screamed bloody murder when he tried. We have a
FABULOUS photo of said experience. She cried so hard after he tried to hold her at the airport, that when I took her back she fell asleep in my very arms. She cried for almost 4 weeks straight if I wasn't in her line of vision and basically needed me to HOLD her all the time. All night long. All the time, forever. Sadly I got sick like the first night she was here. It must have been my nerves. So Ryan had to take care of her. Some of the only times she was ok with him was when she was facing OUT of the Baby Bjorn, and was watching Ryan play Madden football on the Ps3. Ugh. But eventually she settled down. Her "adjustment" period was a tough one. She most certainly mourned her foster family. Poor baby. She was only 4 and half months old. But she was very sad.
After the first year, we were pretty unscathed. In all reality. We were lucky. She mourned, but it didn't ruin her. She was able to bond with all of us. However, I will say, the girl is really attached to me. I know Ryan will tell you the same thing. I swear when I'm hormonal, so is she. And she's just 5. Yikes!
And we thought all was well. Until 2 years ago. Around Miles' arrival date, (March 15th) he started getting nightmares. He'd cry out loud in his sleep and then when we calmed him down and he fell back asleep, he'd start crying and yelling again. Poor kid. Nightmares are the worst. And he couldn't really tell us what they were. After several sleepless nights for us all, I sat him down, and just asked him to think really hard about what his dreams were about. The boy remembered. He knew all along. He just didn't want to tell us. He said, "I keep getting lost and I can't find you or dad or Claire. I look everywhere. I try to call you on the phone, but I don't know where you guys are." Sad right? Then he looks me straight in the eye and says, "When do I have to go to my next family?"
Yeah. I know. Kills. We've always been honest with the kids about their birth PARENTS, their foster PARENTS, and how they came to live with us. And so in Miles' little 5 year old head, we were just a stop on the PARENT track. And that he would be eventually moving on to another set of PARENTS. But he said, "I like this family the best mom." *Tears tears sob sob sniff sniff* Oh my lord in heaven! So I assured him that he was stuck with us FOREVER. That he would never have another family until he got married and had his own family. He slept through the night that night and every one since.
The following year around the same time, (March 15th) he began a very odd tick. His eyes would roll into his head. I didn't know what the fuck was happening. I was scared. We brought him to his clinic and they said bring him to Children's ER. He could be having seizures. They look suspicious. SUSPICIOUS!?! Are you kidding me? And so he underwent lots of tests, and seizure testing. The verdict? He was displaying nervous ticks. Ugh. Another side effect. His adjustment periods were coming out every year around his arrival date. Not when he first arrived, but years later. And as soon as the date came and went, and we assured him he was safe and wouldn't have to leave us, the ticks, the nightmares. Stopped.
This year we are going low key. Getting together with our group of friends we met in Korea. But not making a huge deal out of things. Usually on the kids' arrival dates, we make a big deal. Cause to us. It's a big deal. To Claire, she gets to choose the restaurant we have dinner at, and that makes her day. To Miles it's stressful. And seemingly a reminder that he was with other families before he was with us. Sadly, with his age, also comes a clearer understanding of his adoption story, and his road to our family.
Hopefully Claire isn't going to deal with the same kinds of fears and worries. Her arrival date is next Monday.
