HAL here we come!

Ryan has decided to fully automate our house. I mean....I thought getting a Roomba was a big deal. But no. He's got cameras up. Door locks. Lights controlled by our phones. Garage door sensor. Water sensor. Wall sensor (don't ask).

I swear. If a light goes on in the middle of the night because of the "fully automated house" I'm moving.

If the door unlocks and a mass murderer gets in and kills us and takes the kids for their own amusement, I'm moving.

If the sensor for the garage door goes off and scares the shit out of me I'm moving.

Now Ryan's talking about putting the fireplaces on a remote control. I didn't know I married a swinging bachelor. Brother.

I'm holding out hope though. I can only dream of my sitting around watching my stories with my robot maid.

The ghost that lives in my foyer.

Years ago, my best friend was sitting on my basement sofa and was looking into my foyer. She announced she was not digging the old lady who was staring at her from the foyer. Now I don't remember if dear bestie was loaded, or just totally fucking with me. But needless to say I poo poo'd it.

Skip ahead a few years and I was walking down the stairs from the upstairs to the foyer, and on the second to last step it felt like someone pulled my foot from underneath me. And I fell to the tile floor cracking my forearm and back on the hardwood steps. Ouchie. For sure. I wrote it off as me being clumsy. But still that "old lady" was in the back of my mind. Because it FELT like someone grabbed my ankle and pulled.

And then nothing for almost a year.

But last night. I was in the foyer. Looking out the front door to see the storm, (it was a whopper), and I turned to tell Ryan, who was sitting in the basement. I took one step down and......WHOOOOSH!

It felt like someone pushed me, like literally pushed me down the stairs.

I was spread eagle. Laying flat on the carpeted stairs from the top to the bottom. Flailing my arms above my head. Hitting my head, back and butt all the way down.

When I landed I was bawling. Like crying so hard I started laughing. I just imagined what I looked like to Ryan. He rushed over to see if I was ok. And all I could do was roll around laugh crying and wailing about "OH MY ARM! OH MY ASS! OH MY HEAD! WAAAAHHHH HA HA HA WAHHHHHHH!!!"

After I was able to get myself together I asked him. "Did it look hilarious?" He said "yeah it was funny except for the falling down the stairs part."

Stupid ass ghost living in my foyer. And so now I can't work out because I can hardly walk let alone run. Ugh! I'm old. Crippled. And apparently haunted.

Summer time!

I know I know...Whatever, school got away from me. Then the summer has taken me away. And well...yeah.

I'm currently in Omaha Nebraska. Sitting in a hotel room while the kids play on their ipods. Then pretty soon we'll go to the hotel pool.  We were just at an art museum. It was culture. And it killed time. We're here because Ryan's working here. And we just tagged along.

Last week we were in Los Angeles visiting my sister. It was warm and beautiful. I have photos, but I don't have them up. The kids loved Disneyland, and the ocean. We swam in Santa Monica beach for hours. And got a good ol' tan.

After we get home from Nebraska, we go to Ely to a cabin with some friends. OMG. I'm travel tired already!

I need a vacation from my vacations. I actually miss cooking. And eating home cooking. I mean I love going out to eat. But not for three meals a day for 3 weeks straight. It's gross. And boring.

So it's time to swim. Again. OMG.....Help.

Oh My Grapes

As Claire says for OMG.

I've been watching True Tori. And OMG...it's a train wreck. The quick rundown is that Tori Spelling's husband Dean McDermott cheated on her, had a breakdown because he got caught, and is in rehab for the past 3 months.  And the "reality" show is her "true sTori". Gross. Get it?

I can't stop watching it. The man is such a victim. And such an awful actor. And holy shit does Tori Spelling seem like a lifeless robot.

I don't know how I'd react to my husband cheating on me, but I can guarantee it wouldn't be played out on the Lifetime network.

The part that bugs me the WORST.....her reaction to the paparazzi. She claims to hate it, and feels like they intrude.  But as she's schlepping her kids from here to there, those poor kids are freaking out at the people behind the cameras. Yelling at them to stop. And crying about them being followed.  But she's doing a show. On tv. Being filmed. And wanting the attention. I don't get it.

She complains about the paparazzi, yet she has her own reality show where a camera is in her face 24/7. And the stuff they're sharing..ugh. He wanted to commit suicide when she found out about his cheating. Because "he didn't feel he deserved her and she'd be better off". He's LITERALLY the worst actor of all time. And Tori. She looks like a bird who has a broken wing, and wants everyone to know she's injured. But in that I'm ok but I'm not ok kind of way.

All I keep thinking is, these FOUR, yes four, kids are going to see this train wreck and wonder why the hell their parents put their celebrity before them.

But don't get me wrong. I'm so watching it. Just to judge the shit out of them. I can't help it. I'll admit. I feel bad for her sometimes. But there are stories out there, they made it all up to get themselves a show. If that's true, they really are douche bags.

Either way, I'll be watching. Judging. Eye rolling. And well...more judging.

This is my life.

The spring had sprung. And the snow was leaving us. However, we got a dumping of about 9 inches here last night. I'm ok with this. I don't hate winter and cold like everyone else. We don't try and "get away" in the winter time. I like it. That's why I live in MN.

Sadly being "cooped" up in the house for a few months really makes for messy bedrooms, unorganized thoughts and spaces, and well just all around ddddduuuuuuhhhhhness.
But for some reason, the snow made my kids EXTRA special this morning.

KIDS: Is it a snow day?!?!?!

ME: No.

KIDS: LaDeeDaDeeDaDeeDum......(this is them not doing a damn thing to get ready for school)

ME: Brush your teeth you guys. (you don't want to KNOW how many times I told them to get dressed, eat breakfast, get their backpacks ready, clear their breakfast dishes, etc. you get it)

KIDS: Are you sure it's not a snow day?

ME: BRUSH YOUR TEETH!

CLAIRE: I can't find my toothbrush.

ME: WHAT? WHERE IS IT?

CLAIRE: I don't know.....LaDeeDaDeeDaDeeDum

MILES: I can't find it mom.

ME: Miles! Brush YOUR teeth!

MILES: LaDeeDaDeeDaDeeDum

ME: Seriously?!?!

KIDS: LaDeeDaDeeDaDeeDum I bet it's going to be a snow day.

ME: Get moving! Get your backpacks ready!

KIDS: THEY ARE! *deep sigh from Claire* LaDeeDaDeeDaDeeDum

(they aren't)

ME: You guys! Dad's waiting for you outside!!!

KIDS: LaDeeDaDeeDaDeeDum Oh ok.

KIDS: By mom! Love you!

ME: AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!! AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Yeah...so that happened this morning.

9 years and still so happy

Today we celebrate bringing Miles home from Korea. It's been 9 lovely years. He's an amazing kid. We're so lucky.

One of my favorite memories of the return trip home.....I had been sick the entire time Ryan and I were in Korea. The flight home I was miserable. (Miles was perfect of course) And it took forever to get through customs in MN.

But Ryan and I were coming off the elevator and the doors opened and I saw my bestie jumping up and down yelling "THEY'RE HERE!!!! THEY'RE HERE!!!!!" And pounding the glass.

It was the most welcome sight. And all was well.

And nine years later I'm reminded of the love and care that Miles was welcomed into.

Miles in Korea getting ready to leave

This makes perfect sense.

She's ready

Today Miles had a friend over. A friend the kids are really close to. He's adorable. I love him. He's a good kid.

He was standing next to Claire and me in the kitchen talking, when Claire let one rip. She farted. REAL loud.

I looked at her and said, "Claire! Did you fart?!?!" Miles' friend said, "I DIDN'T DO THAT!"

Claire looked at us and very deadpan said, "Yeah it was me. He was standing in my personal bubble."

I'm good with it. She's going to be just fine when it comes to boys.

I didn't see this coming.

Delving further into my 23andme results, I learned my genetic make up. And it's not all Korean.

What's that you say? Yep. I'm pretty much 50/50 Korean Japanese.

I'm not going to lie. It was a bit of a shock. And I wanted to run around my house galloping like a mad rabid horse yelling OH-MY-GOD-WHAT-IS-THIS-WORLD-COMING-TO-HOLY-SHIT-MOTHER-FUCKER-MY-LIFE-AS-I-KNOW-IT-IS-A-LIE-OH-WHY-MEEEEEEEE!? 

But instead I was all, "Hey guess what? I'm as Japanese as I am Korean. Weird right?" 

My mom said she was surprised at how "well" I took the information. Ha little did she know I was a crazed lunatic in my head. But I'm ok with it now.

I have also learned I have about 150 3rd-6th cousins. Maybe I'm related to Kevin Bacon after all. I mean...isn't everyone?

I'm so excited right now!

I got this cool DNA testing kit for my birthday from Ryan. You spit in a tube for a million hours, then mail it in.

It was supposed to give me medical information and ancestry information based on my DNA. And I submitted it in November.

Due to the FDA being money hungry bastards, 23andme delayed processing information for quite a while. Also they no longer offer medical information. However, due to the actual date that I submitted the spit. I made it just under the wire to get all the goods.

And today after long last. I got the goods.

I won't bore you with all the details. But suffice it to say I won't be making any hasty medical decisions anytime soon. I take the info with a grain of salt regarding the medical stuff. I mean...it's super technical. I've never even heard of most of the diseases, syndromes, and other miscellaneous mumbo jumbo.  But it's nice to know that I don't carry the gene for Alzheimers or Parkinsons.

My favorite part. The part I find the most fascinating, is the "traits" page. It says things about hair color, height, muscle growth, response to exercise, finger length. All the stuff people know and learn about by knowing their family. Their genetic family. I'm almost in tears thinking about the things I've finally learned about myself. Why I'm the way I am. I've never known it. And it makes me feel more connected to my birth family then I have ever felt.

I feel fortunate to learn these things. Next up....I get to find out about ancestry. In two weeks, I could possibly find blood relatives. That's something I never thought possible.

I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cares about this stuff. But it sure means so much to me. And I can't stop talking about it, which I'm pretty sure is bugging the shit out of people. But whatever. They've had their whole lives to know themselves. I'm just finding out for the first time. They can deal.

Ah..crap

Well it's happened.  My swearing has reached EPIC proportions. I mean...Fucking epic.

Ryan and the kids have noticed that I will drop the F-bomb, and a shit any old time. I'm so thankful that my kids realize that they're just words. But yet, they are NOT allowed to utter them, themselves.

However. The other day. I was in Miles' room, and he came strolling in and must have realized he forgot something and said, "Oh shiiii.....(pause)...nevermind mom!" And ran out. AFTER making this face

You know he was about to finish the word. But caught himself JUST.IN.TIME.

You may ask, "Did you get mad SJT? Did you punish him?" How can I be mad? I can't. I laughed and busted him. Then I heard them. Those turds. Ryan and Claire told me I need to "work on my swearing."

So now I have a swear jar. Well...it's more like a swear wine glass. I have to put a quarter in it each time I swear. At least each time the kids hear me swear. (I told Ryan I'd go broke if it was for ALL swearing.) I realize I'm the worst mom. I never used to swear. I must be low on vitamin D.

Either way. I have the stupid swear police on my ass daily. Claire gets simply giddy if she even hears me say dangIT and has to check to see if I said DANG it or DAMN it. She's a shit. It started yesterday and I already have quite a collection of quarters in the glass. I've just given up at this point and put my bag of quarters next to the glass.

Ryan said that in no time at all, he'll be able to get the XBox One or the PS4. Or probably both with my fucking mouth. I'm blaming the weather. Stupid fucking Polar Fucking Vortex.