This was NOT one of those times.

This past weekend was filled with fun! I went out with my bestie. Who I never go "out" with. We were celebrating a friend's 35th birthday! She's young a beautiful. Lucky bitch!

Anyway....as the night wore on..my dear old bestie and her sister "be-friended" a couple at one of the bars. They were the standard type of couple you'd see from this particular neighborhood. Very suburban, and thin and beautiful. But Good God Damn were they drunk. AND looking for a good time. And when I say a good time. I mean they were in search of some serious naughty swinging business. YUCK. I think they were initially interested in having dear bestie and her sister home for the fun, but...then the crazy saw me.

Now, just that night we were chatting about how men have a "thing" for the Asian persuasion. I have my theories, but basically, any movie about Vietnam in then 60's and 70's made Asian women seem like slutty-do-anything-you-want-five-dolla-make-you-holla kind of women. And let's face it, men can be pigs. Especially when drinking cheap beer in a townie bar.

As I was telling my bestie we were heading out, this drunk woman, let's call her Big Drunk Horny Blonde was all up in my face...blabbing about how exotic...blah blah blah..then she made THE PROPOSITION. Ugh. And now my REAL story.

Last night I was out with another group of friends. I picked up one of my friends before I dropped the kids off at my parents. As she got in the car she did the the polite, "what'd ya do last night?"

I told her it was kinda crazy and that I would share it with her later. Cause it was not something the kids should hear. To which Miles my 6 year old pipes in, "Mom, we already know what happened. You can tell her now."

Here's the conversation. And it's pretty much verbatim:

ME: Ok then smarty...what happened?

MILES: You went out and um, then you went to another place, and um J was there, with the neighbor and J's sister and umm. and umm....(and um was big here)

ME: And?

MILES: And then a lady you didn't know said you were HOT and that she was going to let you sleep with her husband and she wanted to watch.

ME: *crickets chirping*

Yep. I had nothing, but tears streaming down my face. And my friend in the car was trying, without success, to not laugh loudly in the car.

The ONE thing of the night he didn't need to hear. He heard. And I know for a fact I didn't tell Ryan that when I thought the kids were even in ear shot.

I will say this, when he was stammering through the first part of the story, I was watching him in the rearview mirror. When he got done saying is peace, I looked at his face and he didn't really comprehend what he said. His face said, "Why would she want to watch you sleep? And with her husband?"

There was a scrunched up forehead and then I said, "MILES! Don't EVER tell that story to anyone again! PLEASE! Especially don't tell grandma and grandpa!" He agreed it was a weird story and that he would forget it.

Sadly after his last conferences we find that stories that he "overhears" at home, are put into words in his writing class. Isn't that awesome? The last thing was about beer and Ryan. I can't quite put the details here, cause let's face it. I was mortified. But his 1st grade teacher assured us it was normal and ok. Yeah right.

I made him promise under penalty of destroying all Star Wars things, that he would NEVER repeat that story again. Then I told him how that woman was crazy and really being silly and weird. It still works on 6 year olds. They're gullible.

However....I love his ability to recall things. Just not this.

well well well...

Claire is writing and reading now. Well she's trying to.

Today she wanted to help me write out the grocery list. So here we have it...


Notice how she changed MILK into Miles and then wrote BOOBS. I have no idea where she's gonna find those two things, but I'm not looking or helping her.

In other news, we got hit with snow again this past weekend. I love snow. I love Minnesota. It makes me happy to be here. During the, I don't know...4th or 5th blizzard this winter, we super cleaned the house. No help from the kids by the way. I baked a chocolate cake with Claire, because when you're trapped indoors for the millionth time in a 2 months, you want chocolate damn it. And then had pizza with pepperoni and mushrooms. Not the healthiest of foods for the day, but I'm sure we threw a salad and some carrots or apples in there someplace. Who cares. It was a fucking blizzard outside.


Yes I made it. Remember I used to be a baker? And now Claire is my OFFICIAL assistant. However she likes to dip her fingers in the batter and the frosting while she's whisking. She's now a pro at washing her hands.

Happy Valentine's Day Crazy style!

http://www.funnyordie.com/slideshows/22f612bc13/vintage-valentine-s-day-cards-that-prove-we-were-all-a-bunch-of-rapists?playlist=featured_pictures_and_words

Yikes!

The other day, Claire and I were getting ready for school. She was in the foyer getting her boots and jacket on. I told her I had to run to the bathroom, and that she should just get ready.

While in the bathroom, I heard the garage door open and shut. Good girl. She didn't need me to yell at her to get ready and in the car.

So I proceeded to get my jacket on, when the front closet doors whipped open and she yelled ,"BOO!"

What the Fuck?

ME: AAAHHHHHHH DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!

CLAIRE: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...you almost fell!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!"

Yes. She continued laughing and hasn't stopped yet. She said, "Mom. You should put this on facebook or on your blog. I totally tricked you!"

That turd actually opened and shut the door to make me think she was in the car. I didn't teach her that. Payback is such a bitch.

This is NOT how we did things back in the day

I tweet. And I follow friends and celebrities there. Celebs are funny. Steve Martin is hilarious. He's entertaining, and clever. I'm sure I wrote about this before, here, somewhere. And I follow John Cusack, because like I've noted before, I have a weird secret crush on the man apparently. But he is BAT SHIT LOONEY TUNES! Which for the record, I love.

Anyway. I see that some celebrities have millions of followers. MILLIONS. I can see what my "movie star boyfriends" are up to and what they have to say. Usually it's stupid shit. Shit I could care less about. But hey, they're entertaining, and it's nice to know they're "normal". Well kind of.

You know if you're a kid these days, you can learn and know everything you want to know, AND MORE, about your celeb crush in just the swipe of the keyboard. I mean set aside Twitter, there's all the IMDB's and the personal web pages, the Official web pages...or just the World Wide Web at it's best. You could even venture into celeb crush overload. But that's another topic. Way back in the stone age, we had to write a good old fashioned stalker letter.

When I say stalker letter, I mean pen and paper. Sometimes cut out magazine letters. Oh, and your dirty old underwear. Not that I EVER did that. No no no... I was more of a refined kinda gal.

I remember when I was 12, I had mad love for River Phoenix. Who the hell didn't? The man was beautiful and way "deep". *sigh*
Anyway, I saw in my Tiger Beat, that he had an address I could write to. I actually believed he would read MY letter. Even now you say, "yeah right SJT.." But I was 12 so shut up.

I wrote the letter. I tried to be all, deep and thoughtful about what I wrote. And I tell you what....that letter was pure.....shit. But I thought it was awesome, and I knew in my heart that he would read it, hop a plane to MN, find my house (because DUH...he was carrying the envelope with my return address), and announce his love for me. And it didn't hurt that I was for some reason having a party at my house, JUST AT THAT MOMENT, and all my friends got to see how much he loved me. Boyfriend at the time be damned. (Sorry J.M)

Yep, well..........that never happened. I didn't even get a pre signed photo of him. I got zip. And after thinking on it long and hard as a 37 almost 38 year old woman...seems about right. My Say Anything moment never happened. (Side note: This could be part of my obsession with John Cusack. Hmmmm....)

But today, you can actually get a message to your celeb crush via twitter. Right this second if I wanted Ian Somerhalder to know how much I loved his last episode of The Vampire Diaries, and that he was my favorite character on Lost because he was HOT....well I can. And he would most likely see it, not care, and move on with his day. But, HE WOULD SEE IT! (he's actually the reason I thought about this topic.) Seriously....look at the boy!

Getting back to it....
So.....kids of today...you're lucky. We had to actually write letters to our celeb crushes. We had to check the mailbox everyday, in hopes that they might write us back. And after 25 years, we now know that we will never get that damn autographed photo, let alone have them fall in love with us via letter writing. Sadly my teen crush has passed, but..there's always Ian. And I don't have to be a teen to appreciate a handsome (eh ehem) young gentleman.

In MN we do shit like this

Yep. It's Winter Carnival time once again!

I love it. Where else do a bunch of level headed people go out in below zero weather and stand around to look at ice and snow sculpture? That or stand on the streets in a howling wind tunnel (because you know that when you're downtown ANYWHERE the wind blows like a motherfucker) and watch a parade. FOR HOURS?

This year we went with our friends Rachel and Dan. We met for lunch at Pizza Luce, and then headed on down the hill for the event.

We usually go to see the ice sculptures, and attend either the Grande Day Parade or the Torchlight Parade. You literally stand outside for hours and watch a parade that should be done in the summer, like most places. But it's in late January. The coldest part of the year. I LOVE IT! I'm not kidding either.

Well this year we saw the ice sculptures in Rice Park. They're pretty damn cool.



Check out this chick wielding the chainsaw!


This year they created a huge ice wall. The kids thought it was glass. Miles had to really look through it. We were able to watch some of the sculpting competition.



The whole "legend" of the carnival is such: crazy-creepy-makes-us-seem-like-a-bunch-of-freaks-but-lack-of-sun-will-do-this-to-people

But the gist of it, the snow/ice king (King Boreas) is battling the fire king (Vulcan King). There's Snow and Ice royalty. A whole court of royalty and then you have the Vulcans. But before I get into the "Vulcan run in" , yes it's an event all of it's own, check back at those photos that show all the people. I saw a dear old friend in passing. And when I say passing...I mean 2 seconds of recognition..."Hey! How are you?" And then you can't stay for the answer, because the crowd keeps moving, and it WILL swallow you whole. You and your kids. But I digress.....

We ventured into the Landmark Center for all the kids activities and the second we do, we here it. The dreaded siren of the Vulcans. Seriously. That sounds brings fear into me. I mean look at these dudes. They're creepy as hell and they have WAYYYYY too much testosterone coursing through their bodies for anyone's good.


My girlfriend Rachel and I talked about when we were kids, and they would run up to you at a local city's parade and rub their cheeks on your face. It was called "the mark". They'd leave black grease paint all over you. It sucked. And they were creepy fuckers. Well, poor Rachel subconsciously hid behind her husband as soon as the siren went off. It was hilarious. But my poor little Claire? Not so lucky. She couldn't hide fast enough.

She was accosted by the entire group of red dressing, grease paint smearing fools. They got her. The king of the Vulcans no less. They can't really smear their faces on you anymore. There was some kind of lawsuit that involved sexual assault. And people wonder why I fear them. So now they use some kind of black grease lipstick tube. Sadly this was the result of Claire's meet and greet with them.


She was so pissed off about it, she didn't smile for an hour. We didn't know what happened, but when we stopped for hot cocoa, she asked Ryan if she could, "finally take off the V". We said yes, wiped it off, and it was happy times once again for our little Claire.

Miles however really thought they were cool. He liked the mask they gave him. And so Claire tried it too, but really....nothing could help.


All in all a good time. We spent a few hours there, and the kids loved it. Claire especially once the V was removed. She could have been one of the REALLY lucky girls who had a black grease paint goatee and mustache drawn on their faces. I think it's just downright mean. The moral of this story? The Vulcans suck.