My husband DOES NOT HEART this.

Today I was reading through blogs, and one of them has music on her page. I didn't know this. Weird. I've been reading it for a while too. But whatever.

So one of the songs she has on her site it that Rob Pattinson song. You know him right? Edward Cullen from the Twilight movies? He's become a tween girl's and 30 something's item of lust. People are going bonkers for him. I mean, to quote Gwen Stefani, B-A-N-A-N-A-S! I am sure you know who he is, unless you don't have a tv, radio, internet, and have been held hostage, in a deep dark hole with no light to speak of for the past 10 months. I mean look at him. I must say, he IS DREAMY. My friend Heather calls him Robward for all you Twilight folks. Ha ha.

Anyway. His music? Eh...not so great. Ryan heard it. And proceeded to comment. Here is a snippet of our conversation.

RYAN: Is that Johnny Lang?

ME: No. Rob Pattinson.

RYAN: Who?

ME: That guy from the Twilight movies.

RYAN: Oh. He must be a DB (douche bag)

ME: No. I don't think so.

RYAN: Yeah he is...I've decided anyone who thinks THAT is good enough to be made, is a huge DB.

ME: They used it in the movie I guess.

RYAN: Bigger DB.

I love Ryan. He is funny. Too bad he is jealous of my movie star boyfriend. Tee hee.

Are pigs flying?

I have a good friend who has changed so drastically, I can't even believe it. I tell her on a regular basis she should knock it the hell off, and bring me back my friend. I will admit, she is great either way. I consider her a friend no matter what.

When I first met her, she was a no nonsense kinda lady. She was this little spit-fire, who wore clicky heels that, clickety-click-clacked down the halls at our job. She always wore dresses or skirts. She wore jewelry. Her apartment was clean. Very clean.

And when she talked about kids, she would tell me she thought they were "not cute". And that she didn't want any, cause they don't talk. She claimed she would hate to be stuck with one who couldn't tell her what they wanted. This is the same woman who told me, "I never tell my friends their kids are cute. I just tell them, I'm happy for you."

She is the one, who at barely five feet tall, could drink just about any guy under the table while playing pool or darts. She also smoked like a chimney.

Jump ahead, oh say, 6-7 years. She has 3 kids. All girls. Very girly. She stays at home with her 3 girls. They are 5, 3, and almost 1. And they were all planned. I have to say, her friends, the collective "we", were so shocked at the first kid, when the second was born we didn't know what to do. Had the world gone mad?

My friend has started, and this is hard for me to write out, so hold on.....

has started, baking homemade breads, sewing, gardening, and, quit smoking and drinking. I know I know....seriously. Talk about shift in lifestyle. She wears jeans now. And sometimes when I go to her house for a playdate, *gasp* the house isn't clean! Oh my damn!

So I wonder. How have I changed? I always knew I would have kids. That I would be THIS mom I am now. Not that I would have known I would stay at home with them. But I knew I would be very involved with their lives.

Does everyone make such dramatic changes in their lives when kids and marriage are introduced? I didn't think so, but hey....she is proving me all wrong.

Here is one of our Facebook exchanges: I commented on her becoming a fan of sewing. SEWING! For the love!

ME: Oh my god. I never would believe this. EVER. I refuse to believe it. REFUSE!!!!!

HER: really? After curtains, pillows, skirts...if the kids would just watch movies all day long I'd get a lot sewn! ;)

ME: No. I just don't want to hear about it. You can't be into sewing. I just witnessed the baking, and I am still reeling from that...No to the sewing.....Just say no friend (I changed this. I had her name here)

HER: would gardening be too much for you?

ME: Oh Jesus...you're killing me.

HER: LOL :)

Well....friend.....I still love ya. Even if you have de-throned me as the Korean Martha Stewart. All hail the new queen. And watch out for people who may spontaneously combust. Cause apparently, anything old fucking thing can happen now.

Sometimes being a mom is not so cool

I try not to get all squishy schmoopy about my kids here. Hopefully it is clear from my writing, I love them. More then anything. However....this medium is for me to vent when I can't say some of this stuff to them. Cause I know it will come back to haunt me when my children are adults, and in therapy, because I told them, "I don't fucking care if you don't like THIS kind of mac and cheese! Shut up! Eat it or starve for all I fucking care!" Which, by the way...has never happened. But it happens in my head sometimes. When I am deep breathing with my eyes closed and my fists clenched.

So...Ryan has been gone. (Haven't drilled that into this blog enough *eye roll*) And the natives are going to stage a coup. I believe I heard plotting and scheming yesterday in the backseat. Either way...I always think I am prepared for things.

Today....not so prepared.
Example number 1: My almost 5 year old was caught lying. For the first time. He and his cousin were doing monkey business today at my parents house, and broke something. Miles protested so strongly that he in fact "DID NOT DO IT" I believed him. But because I am mom, I threw in..."if you're lying to me I will know and you will be in big trouble!" His tiny little shamed voice then said..."yes I did it." Not with as much conviction but I heard it. And damn! I almost believed him. I really was ready to let him off the hook. Damnit. now I have to second guess, cause he knows HOW to lie. Shit.

Example number 2: Claire said to me, "I don't like you!" She's almost 3. I wasn't sure how to take it, cause well, Miles has never spoken to me like that. I turned to her with "the big eyes", told her I was sorry she was stuck with me, and then began to be somewhat petty. Cause, I had hurt feelings. I did. I won't lie. I told her a girl who doesn't like me must not want to have a sleep over in my room. She cried. Of course. Then she asked how she can have a sleep over. I told her she had to apologize. And not like her cousin does...he just says.."APOLOGIZE!" She had to tell me she was sorry. And why she was sorry. She did. Then I said to her, "you don't always have to like me Claire. You DO NOT get to tell me that." I think she understood that. So instead of telling me she didn't like me. She peed the floor in the middle of the night. Awesome.

Two examples of how my children are trying to overthrow me as queen of the land. They are doing things I would never see coming. And to which I have no good responses. Only because, I AM THROWN OFF MY GAME! I am going to have to start, already, with the "sneaking suspicions". Shit shit shit!

Where are those sweet agreeable children that were here this past weekend when their dad was home? They must smuggle themselves into his luggage when he travels, and leave me with their Doppelgängers .

I DO NOT HEART THIS. Send help.

I love this crap.

Today driving home from a friend's house I was behind a huge semi.

It was a biggie. The back didn't have a trailer. So basically, it was just the semi cab and the flat bed part.

On the back of the semi's cab in HUGE lettering was this....

"IF YOU'RE LIVIN' THE DREAM, LEARN THE LANGUAGE!" And flanking each side of this gem were American flags.

I thought they should have used the Confederate Flag. Seems more apropos.

Either way, I called my friend, who I just left. We had a good ol' fashioned chuckle, because we are both Asian AND livin' the dream. But we SPEAK THE LANGUAGE, so maybe it doesn't apply to us. And we were both raised by white people so....I guess we don't count.

Then she told me she saw one that was an all white semi truck. And the only writing on it was....

"JESUS CHRIST IS NOT A SWEAR WORD"

To which my friend promptly informed me she yelled..."Jeee-sus Christ!" Classic.

I think bumper stickers, no matter how big or small. Are ALWAYS hilarious! Even if they are stupid.

Really Jon and Kate?

I just watched the Season Premiere of Jon and Kate plus 8. Annoying.

I used to think this show was really cute. There aren't that many Asians on tv, and my kids loved to see it. Miles thought one of the boys on the show was him for a long time. At one point we had to assure him he was not doing the show in his sleep. Hee hee.

I liked this show because it was a stay at home mom who was 'normal'. She yelled at her kids and her spouse when she was pissed. Who the hell doesn't do that? They scrimped and saved and calculated all throughout a grocery store cause, they, like most of us with kids didn't have tons of money. They lived in a house that was far to small for all their damn kids. But they were cute. And I liked it.

As the season's progressed, they were given free trips. No biggie. But then the free plastic surgery. Really? Plastic surgery? Jeez.

And then last season they somehow were able to afford a huge ass house. With acreage. ACREAGE! Come people. Not so much with the 'normal' anymore if you ask me. Oh, but the yelling at the kids and husband continued. But it isn't so cute anymore when they are yelling in a big beautiful home and she looks like a "Real Housewife of the OC". Why that is I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just jealous.

But, amidst all the gossip and monkey business....I am annoyed. I don't care that they are both cheating on each other. I don't care. Like we didn't think that was ever going to happen. I mean for God's sake. They had 8 kids before they were 30. But what I can't stand is this.

In the season premiere this year, Kate talks about how she will do it 'alone'. Well the 78492 PA's, nurses, nannies, and other assorted lackys don't count apparently. And they are doing separate interviews. Jon, looking like a, beat into submission puppy, and Kate, doing the verbal beating. I say verbal cause they haven't REALLY caught the other kind on film. Yet.

And she doesn't stop talking about the "paparazzi" being around.

Double annoying.

If she didn't want the attention, then why the hell would she dress up in heels to go shopping with 8 kids to the party supply store? I certainly don't do that. And I only have 2 kids.

Ehhh...maybe I'm just a schlep who doesn't pride myself, on well, myself. So ok.....change of attitude. Good for you Kate, mother of 8. You are a put together woman. You have a fancy haircut and fancy clothes and can wear heels while wrestling 6 five year olds, and 2 eight year olds, while carrying in 10 party supply store bags. You should have your own show.

So Cool.

You have to check out my friend Kelly's blog . He is an amazing photographer, who was, until recently, doing a food critique. Now he is photographing one of my favorite parts of Minnesota. NE Minneapolis. I know. I know. You may not get it. You think...NE Mpls? Really? Yes really. It is an old area with some really cool old buildings, but also is being "re-invented". It's artsy, it's hip, it's got cool history. He sees things most of us just drive by. He is witty and insightful with is commentary. I love it.

And he's a sass. I love that too.
Once again, Kelly......you are so cool.

Diego update

Due to being a 'bad influence' Diego is on a time out. He is currently in the linen closet for an undisclosed amount of time.

If in fact Diego continues to entice Claire with naughty behavior. He's out. In the trash. For good.

Sorry creepy stuffed doll that spews bad ideas. Peddle your spooky shit somewhere else.

I think she has a sixth sense.

Well friends. It's official. We have a ghost who likes to stay up late. And annoy me. And tell my kid to do naughty things. And all together make my life hell. For now at least.

If you don't believe in this stuff...that's ok. We can still be friends. But believe me when I say......I hate you spooky thing who whispers to my 2 and a half year old in the middle of the frickin' night! You are keeping me up and I am losing my beauty sleep, and I will not fulfill my destiny to be a regular Asian woman who doesn't age a day until I am 60, if I don't get my sleep. 3 hours a night isn't cutting it anymore. *I see wrinkles* (I whispered that)

It happened AGAIN last night. I woke to whispers at 3:33 am. I opened my eyes and saw Claire sitting up, looking at the wall and saying, "Shhhh....you will wake up my mommy."

I'll give you a minute.




Fucked up right? So I say, "Claire?" She laid down quickly. Then started whispering again. For hours. 2 and one quarter to be exact. I caught a little of it here and there. It was a lot of, "No, that's naughty. I can't! I'll get in trouble. That would hurt."

THAT WOULD HURT? What the FUCK?

I don't really dig this. And I will clarify. SHE IS AWAKE. At one point in her private conversation, she stopped to whisper, told whoever to "wait one second", and then asked me to take her to the bathroom. Once again...I don't like this.

I had a friend today tell me that kids her age are prone to hearing angels talking to them, cause they are so young they will forget it when they are older. I'm not a religious person to begin with, but really? With the shit she is saying back. What the hell kind of angel is that? No thank you God.

On another lighthearted note, (hardy-har-har) Ryan came home a day early today. He just showed up at 8am. Apparently his back and neck are SOOOOOOO messed up, he left his hotel at 3:30 am, called in and canceled the rest of his trip, and drove himself to the Detroit airport to be put on standby to come home.

So off to the Chiropractor and the doctor. He was given some good muscle relaxers. And I bet, with any luck, he will be out cold when Claire starts in on...oh say.....

Carrying out Diego's evil plan to take over the world. One toddler at a time. Damn you Nickelodeon and your mind melting characters.

Diego...I hate you

Last night you ask? Not so cool. As you know, Ryan is out of town. As you also know, I despise, hate, and strongly object to whispering kids in the middle of the night. It's just too creepy for me.

Well that being said. I awoke at 3:23 am to Claire, sitting up, facing away from me, facing the wall, WHISPERING!

ME: Claire....who are you whispering to?
HER: *silence* she promptly laid down
ME: Claire....who are you talking to? You need to go to bed. You have school.
HER *whisper whisper whisper*
ME: Seriously Claire...Honey...who are you talking to?
HER: *whisper whisper* Diego is talking to me...shhhhh mommy I can't hear.

Ha ha ha....yeah.....not cool.

I asked her to come into my bed, because I thought, maybe she just wasn't tired. But the whispering continued. For 2 and one half hours people. All the while I am saying things like, "Claire, sweetie you have to go to sleep. No more whispering please."

I was trying to stay calm, as I didn't want to provoke 'whoever' she was talking to. Cause I was tired and my brain was going bonkers. Like....who is ACTUALLY talking to her? Why is Diego holding 2 hour conversations with my daughter? Can I burn Diego and not have her cry? Can I burn Diego and not have something 'bad' happen to me?

Diego is a full child sized stuffed thing. Given to Claire by my 5 year old nephew. He didn't want it anymore, and just handed it over to Claire. I NEVER AGREED TO IT. CINDI!!!!! But Claire loves Diego. More then Dora. So it's here. She takes it all over the place.

This is a photo of my friend's son. See how much he HATES this Diego too?

Anyway....I called Ryan at 3:45 am. Yes that's right. I called him. Cause in my infinite wisdom, and freaked out self, I was not about to deal with this shit alone. Travel be damned. Besides, it was almost 5am where he was. And I knew he would be up. And he was. But help? No. He just laughed. Just wait until you get home pal.

I wonder if....

DIEGO + Creepy whispering to my kid = CHUCKY?

Awwwww crap.

"Korean ladies are crazy"

According to Ryan that is. I just think they are bossy mother fuckers. When I say bossy...I mean....B-O-S-S-Y!!!!!!

I have to admit, they are sort of crazy too. Current author excluded of course. But here are some prime PRIME examples of this comment.

Ryan and I have a friend who lives in Korea. She is the one who tells me I am fat, and that I need to put frozen spoons on my face everyday. The reason? "Cause your cheeks are too round, and your husband is too good looking to have a fat faced wife." Direct quote. I shit you not.

Well, another family friend from Korea was visiting this past weekend. She has already TOLD my parents they are picking her up, what time, where they are going, when they are going, and what errands she wants them to run for and with her. Bossy right? I thought so too.

Then she started in on me. Of course, I warned Ryan before she got out of the car that she would tell me I was fat. But, surprise! She didn't. She did however tell me that I needed to put my 4 1/2 year old on growth hormones. Her exact words were, "He's a FIBE-A? He is a too little! He needs grow up to be a big man, not a tiny one." When she said FIBE-A, she meant five. And I can tease about it cause..... well.... I just can.

I told her, "Well, there are millions of short Asian men in the world, he'll just be one more." She insisted his life would be easier if he were taller, and that the doctors in Koreatown in New York (where she lives) just dole this stuff out willy nilly. But that I must talk to my doctor, cause they probably need a prescription.

?????????????????

Right.

Then she told me I had to start dinner at 3:30 cause my mother, who wasn't there, was going to be home soon and it would be disrespectful to NOT have dinner ready and waiting for her.

My mother...was at a play and dinner with her, brace yourself, Red Hat Ladies. So the simple fact I was somehow, not only to be subjected to the verbal abuse that occurred, but expected to make dinner for 12 people out of nowhere really didn't sit well with me. Especially with a bossy Korean standing there, watching my every move, and BOSSING me around. Oh...FYI, my mother NEVER asks....she just expects. And like a good daughter I do. But...this day, I found myself saying..."hell no!" But of course 10 minutes after I was given, 'the eye' I was in the kitchen cutting potatoes. DAMNIT!

This friend, her name is Ihnnie, told me that I have to respect my parents. Do what they want me to do all the time, and to never be confrontational. Was she talking to my mother already? Did she not know I was 35 years old and have been making my own decisions and choices for years? Was she confused, because I was Korean and was expected to behave like all Korean women, even though I was raised by two White Minnesotans? God. Who the hell knows?

All I know is this. I made dinner at 3:45, even though we weren't going to eat until 5:30. I will NOT EVER put Miles on growth hormones. I am not fat. Ryan now believes that all Korean women are nuts. And damnit if she doesn't look my age, but is 57 years old. I guess there is 'that' silver lining.

When will I learn?

So...I really really really REALLY need to pay closer attention to Ryan when he talks to me about work.

But it's sooooo hard. (And yes I was whining when I said that.) Be me for a moment. Ryan is a techie. A major computer geek. He does some of the most progressive internet security that I imagine is out there. He works for a contract company and usually ends up working for huge companies. I mean huge! So huge I am NOT ALLOWED to give examples. But just know...big.

So when he starts in with all the BlueCoat, PKI, Intrusion Detection mumbo jumbo...I hear this....."wha wha wha wha wha.....wha" Ala trombone/Charlie Brown grown up speak.

But as of late it has really burned me. Last week, I found out he would be in Michigan for 2 full weeks. So we are one week down, one to go. He leaves again Monday morning. But yesterday as he was talking to me on his way to the airport, he was 'wha wha-ing' about some other trips. Something about DC and then Boston.

*EEEEERRRRRR* Did you hear that screech? Well I did.

ME: "You mean to tell me you are going to be gone for another 3 weeks on top of the one you were just gone?!"

HIM: "Yeah. I told you that before I left for Michigan."

ME: "NO YOU DIDN'T!"

HIM: "Yeah, I did."

So I guess I believe him, but I don't like it. Really. I don't like this at all. I thought, well I can handle a week and maybe half of another one. But oh no. 4 weeks in a row?!?!?!

Seriously! If I didn't know my husband so well, I would say his 'imaginary' girlfriend is getting some serious face time. It's laughable really. If you knew Ryan it would be laughable to you too. We joke about it. It's funny because, she would have to be super boring to want to go where he is going. Cause lord knows. My husband is NOT the adventurous type. He never leaves his hotel room except to work, run, eat and shop for the kids. Otherwise he is on the phone with us, or the webcam. And really, what female wants to eat at Subway for an entire week, for every meal but breakfast? Not even me friends. That's for sure. And I married the man. I will say...there is no way Ryan has a woman on the side. The only thing getting in between me and Ryan, is all this damn work. CURSES to you travel!

Here I am. Annoyed at myself. I didn't listen, and now I haven't sufficiently prepared myself to be a single parent for the next month. Crap.

This means, NOW I'm going to have to listen to him when he talks to me about work stuff. Or start out each work conversation with, "Do you have to go anywhere?" Not cool people. NOT COOL.

I'm the BEST mom!

(My friends Jaime and Jill have said, when you capitalize, you are showing sarcasm. I am utilizing this rule in the title.)

As you may know Ryan is on a work trip. This means many visits with my parents to just hang out. And poor little Miles was having a blast at my parents house last night. Playing with his cousin and racing Claire in the driveway.

When this happened.


It looks far better then it did last night. Last night I was cleaning up the dinner dishes at my parents house when I heard Miles bawling.

Usually when I hear him crying, it's because he has been fighting with his cousin. But not this time. It was THAT cry. You know the one, where you drop everything cause your kid is really REALLY hurt.

And sure as shit he was. I came into the dining room where my mom, sister, Claire and Ethan were all hovering over a screaming Miles. Who when the wash cloth was removed, had blood streaming and gushing down his face. Both nostrils were bleeding and his mouth looked like he ate glass.

Poor kid. It took him a long time to calm down. When his nose stopped bleeding we had already gone through 3 washcloths. And the lips...well I had to call the clinic about it. I asked them if he may need stitches. They said no. His lips had been 'punctured' *gag* and the rest had a layer of skin scraped off thanks to the blacktop driveway. Then they told me I had to get the rocks out of his lips.

Jesus! So I did my best. Laid him on the kitchen table with peroxide, water, tweezers, LED flashlight, and a magnifying glass. And got myself to work. Thank god the shock had numbed his mouth. I was able to get most out. With the exception of a few grains of dirt. But not altogether bad. I think I did pretty good. I almost lost my dinner more then once, so.....yay me.

All the while, I heard Ethan crying hysterically cause he had never seen so much blood, and Claire kept coming in and out to "check on her brother one more time".

When I actually called Ryan, the tears began to flow. Not Miles, me. I was so calm throughout the entire incident that I know it freaked my sister out. But as soon as he was fine, and I was talking to Ryan, I bawled.

It was bad. Very bad. So......5 blood soaked cloths later, we bathed, jammied up, went home, and just hung out watching cartoons, dabbing blood away the entire time. We all went to bed at 10 and woke at 8am. Talk about trauma. For us all.

Can't wait for Ryan to come home tomorrow afternoon. I promise this. I will be on break. Friday night, I will be off duty. Between the hormonal surge, the weather, the accidents, and oh I forgot to tell about how Claire has decided to pee her pants, just because. Oh and that....I'm done for the week.

Travel sucks.

Ryan is out of town again. He has been able to NOT travel for a while. A week here and a few days there, but this is gonna suck. He is in Michigan for this entire week and probably all next week.

Whoa is me. Thankfully we are all healthy. (I am doing any superstitious thing you can think of to NOT jinx myself at this point, cause I went ahead and said it out loud. DAMN ME!) And we have a full week of activities. But still....I have to admit. It's not easy being the only one.

I give credit where massive credit is due. Single parents......you rock. I am amazed none of you go postal. I sure as hell want to after 4 straight days of...."do this, do that, don't yell, that's potty talk, stop fighting, I'M SERIOUS! Really? Tell your brother you're sorry, tell your sister you're sorry, cut it out!!!!!" And so on. You get it.

Well, the kids can be good. They are for the most part, well behaved kids. It comes with years of molding and bending to my will. But they do get lonely for their dad. And pretty much take that out on me.

So it's only Tuesday. I have to really, as they say, Buck up! But this is how I feel right now.

Maybe I haven't had enough coffee yet today.

Until they're gone....it's all about them.

Today is Mother's Day. I'm a mother. Ha ha.... a bad Mother Fucker!
No no no......just a little Mother's Day humor to get the day started.

My kids woke me up with breakfast in bed today. It was nice. Ryan actually made the breakfast, but the kids brought in the gifts. A book I love, and a garden gnome. I love garden gnomes. They crack me up. They look to me, like my uncle Tom. Ha ha ha ha.......

But Mother's Day, and Father's Day for that matter doesn't mean celebrating me or Ryan. No matter what WE want to do, it's all about our parents. Always has been.....always will be.

No matter what we want to do that day, we have the family obligations. No exceptions. Up until I was a mother, I was responsible for planning and usually hosting the family get togethers. Both sides too. Once I became a mom, that ended.

I'm not really sure why? Maybe it was the obvious sleep deprivation. Maybe the seething venom that came out my mouth, whenever anyone asked me a question or made a comment about anything. Or the "I WILL cut you" look I gave off, every time anyone asked me to do anything other then breath. Or the simple fact, my side of the family, knew better then to ask me. They JUST KNEW BETTER.

But.....like the title indicates, it's not about me or Ryan even though we are moms and dads. It's about THEM. At least until they're gone. And then...knowing MY mom...it will still somehow be about her. She's like that. And I love her.

Ransack and run!

Yesterday was THE BIG DAY! Once a year our city has citywide garage sales. I love this. I only started loving them once we were 'blessed' with children. Who the hell knew you could get brand new baby stuff for dirt cheap? I sure didn't. Thus began my obsession with garage sales.

Our city's Lion's club hosts this event. It is insane. Close to 600 sales city wide. And those are just the ones listed in the brochure. According to a friend, it is one of the biggest citywide garage sales in the country. The area hotels have specials for people who are here from out of town. I'm telling you. It's nuts.

Thursday night I was helping my neighbor with her sale, and a full on conversion van loaded with women pulled up, told us they were from Willmar, and were staying at the hotel. Where is Willmar? I don't know. I really don't care either. But suffice it to say, THEY, were women on a mission!

I don't do the matching t-shirts, the animal hats that match, the van or the trailers. I just meet my friend Shelley at a coffee house, at an un-Godly time in the morning, with brochure in hand. We stake out our territories in the brochure based on what we may need or want. Then we hop into my little SUV and off we go.

This year however I was discouraged. I left the house at 7am. The sales don't officially start until 8, but I saw a ginormous truck with a trailer, pull out of our neighborhood filled with kids stuff. So it was gonna be THAT kind of day.

Last year I was with another girlfriend along with Shelley. Funny thing...Shelley was like.....2 thousand months pregnant. Poor thing. So it was a good thing my friend Katie joined us. We did a lot of drive bys, or dumped Katie at a sale and had her scan it for us. Ha ha ha...a perk of being the driver. I didn't have to run all over the place for 'preggers' in the back seat.

This year was different. We were without our friend Katie, and without babies. Either in tow or in belly. Plus....we were looking for bigger kid stuff. And if you garage sale....you know it is mostly baby stuff, and stuff you find in your parents basement.

So we kinda had a bust. And Shelley, with 2 boys, was very disheartened that our fine city only provides girls. Everywhere you looked, pink and purple, as far as the eye could see. Shelley must have called people "bastard" a thousand times for having girls only. THIS is one of the reasons I love Shelley.

Well...as you can guess I was able to gather a few gems for Claire. She has some nice sweaters for next year. Miles got some sweet, white, linen pants to match his geektastic dad's sweet, tan, linen pants. Did I tell you it's been Ryan's dream to have him and his KOREAN son match, clothing wise? They now have the same red Chucks, and the same matching stupid linen pants. All thanks to me of course. What the hell?!?

All in all, I think next year will be tough. It will be all about the toys rather then anything else. The kids don't care about anything else. Although I have to say I got Miles the COOLEST Indiana Jones play set. Complete with destructible village and many action figures. It was only 3 dollars for a 50 dollar set. Score. And he loves it. I also had a luxurious smoked ham, white cheddar, and apricot, sandwich. Wow it was delish!!!!! Wish I had taken a photo of it. It tasted a lot better then it looked though, so it's a good thing I didn't. Besides, I will leave that stuff up to my friend Kelly.

Next year, Shelley and I have decided to wear our hootchie shorts, hooker heels, and tube tops. Apparently, this is what all the stay-at-home-soccer-moms are wearing these days. Oh! And full sets of nails and makeup. It will be classy all the way!

We ended the day when the last sale we went to looked promising from the road, and when close up, was like if MY parents had kicked the bucket and I was left to deal with all their shit. I mean....ALL their shit. WWII books about planes. Embroidered sweatshirts complete WITH collar and birds. Christmas sweaters that QVC wouldn't even sell. Nicks and knacks, bricks and bracks. Like I said.....shit. We knew it was over. GAME OVER.

Awwwww.....geez.

So I asked my dad, who did not have indoor plumbing growing up, what in fact they did when one would get the stomach flu or food poisoning. He said, and with a smart ass tone I might add, "I never had food poisoning growing up."

But then he proceeded to tell me about THE BUCKET.

DAD: "My brother and I got in trouble a few times for knocking 'the bucket' over."

ME: "Dad! I was asking about being sick. Was it a pee bucket? Cause if so, that isn't what I was asking about."

DAD: "Nope the poop bucket."

Gross. Then purely in my dad's fashion, he elaborated. I will not. Then I ended up getting a lesson in history about his house growing up, about how it was the oldest in the county, and how there were slats in the side of the house for guns to "shoot the Indians."

Jesus!

That will teach me to talk to my dad about that stuff.

Thank god for indoor plumbing.

I just want to start this out by saying....those of you who know me, in real life, know I am not always the healthiest person. Thanks to genetic liver disease, and a bout with cervical cancer, I have a minuscule immune system. But...I have to say.....in all the years of dealing with that shit? This is by far, the sickest, I and my family have been in years! What the fuck?!?

Let me just say, in the past 2 1/2 months, there has not been one week where we all have been healthy. I don't understand it. We wash our hands to the point, if someone was spying on us, (which they very well could be), they would think we all had OCD. And that I was the yelling-est mom about hand washing. I also am continuously Clorox wiping down door knobs, light switches, toilet seats, faucets, and anything else that my grubby kids touch. Not to mention vacuuming, and changing bed sheets an obnoxious number of times. We should not be sick! That being said....here is the run down of my weekend.

I was getting over a cold this week. And by Saturday it was glorious. Just a touch of a stuffy nose. Thank God! Our family was on the way to health. Claire had a runny nose, but her doc said that was gonna be normal cause her sinuses were draining. Gross. And Miles had a cough, but that has been for a while now. We just chalk that up to allergies.

Saturday night was fun. We had a good ol' fashioned Dian Friday. On a Saturday. But everyone was there. The kids played together. We all had dinner together. We had a bonfire together. It was awesome. Then when we got home. Miles spiked a fever. I don't know why. He just did. Seemed to go down after Motrin and sleeping. Then....I started to feel not so great.

I just wrote it off as...inhaled too much fire smoke. Since quitting smoking.....all smoke makes me feel kinda woozy. But.....I went to bed. Then woke up. Immediately. My guts were telling me something was NOT COOL. And then began a 5 hour yuck fest. I ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor as I was too tired to run back and forth. Stupid food poisoning. And now I hate the tiles on our bathroom floor. Must replace those.

So...Miles recovered from fever. He played outside all day Sunday like nothing was ever wrong with him. I laid in bed trying to recover and get some sleep. Ryan cleaned out both cars. And Claire, well she just mosied around, happy as you please. With chocolate, and marshmallows all over her face. I don't know where she got either.

Then at dinner, Miles complained of a sore throat. GAAAHHHH!!!!! Seriously. So today I talked to the clinic. He is going in tomorrow. Could be strep. Oh brother. But they have NO appointments today cause of the whole...H1N1 virus that people are panicking about. Damn you hypochondriacs! Now my kid can't see the doc cause you MAY have been in contact with someone who MAY have been near a pig in Mexico. Bastards. My kid only has strep.

But Saturday night I was thinking, in between trips to expel more of my dinner. How much would it suck if we didn't have a bathroom indoors. What did the pioneers do when they had food poisoning? Or my parents for that matter? I think I'll ask them. Did they have a bucket? Cause damn if my bucket wouldn't have been filled in mere moments. Gross right?

Earworms are the worst!

Do you hate earworms?

I do. The worst is when I don't know all the words to a stupid song, and I can't sleep until I sing the whole thing in my head. And never in my entire existence have I had an earworm that I liked. Ever. Never. I damn, Britney Spears, Tom Waits, and Kimya Dawson all to hell. Not that I hate all those artists. I just hated the song that was looping.

So Miles has had an earworm for a few weeks. I know...weird. How old do you have to be before it happens to you? A couple of nights ago he said to me...."Mom do you ever get a song stuck in your head, and it doesn't go away, and it makes you really mad?" Poor baby. Then he just laid down and started humming it. He looked pretty pissed off, but also a little beat down.

He told me the song was the theme song to a video game called Little Big Planet. When I went to find a link so, you too, could in fact have this pleasure, I was unable to find the specific one Miles was being tortured with.

Basically the words are this...."We're here, we're there, we're everywhere." Set to repeat. And Ryan tells me it is with creepy voices. Yikes. Poor man.

Maybe video games for Miles, not such a good idea. But on the other hand, when I play Guitar Hero, I dream of colored dots and Aerosmith. So....it could be worse.